masungit

masungit daw ako.

fine.

kaya ako masungit kasi kelangan magsungit.

kapag walang kelangan magsungit, hindi ako nagsusungit.

nakasmile nga ako ngayon eh.

so masungit nga ba ako?

kung masungit ako, e ano naman ngayon?

ggggrrrr!!!!

ggggrrrr!!! i can’t catch up with everything now! i miss blogging and i miss bloghopping. i miss bloghopping the most because i always feel that everyone has his or her own story and i’m always fascinated by that idea. it amazes me that we all go through different situations all at the same time and the thought that we get to have something to tell, well, it’s just good. it just shows that we are living our lives no matter how pathetic things are. that’s just the way it is.

i have so many things to say but, as usual, i don’t know where to start. i always get that mixed emotions of having to rationalize what i’m going through and trying to get the best out of everything even if it’s not the best thing. ang labo ko. i can’t help but feel pity for myself sometimes but i try to reason to myself that i really have to utilize every coping mechanism i can consciously take. ganyan talaga. when you want to be sane, you have to be insane at times. ang labo ko ulit.

sometimes i think i should have taken drugs or gotten myself pregnant or drank all the alcoholic drinks that the world has to offer and beat my threshold and to say that i, at least, deserve the punishment that i have to endure. i should have become a bad girl to make me justify that i truly deserved to be punished. but then i didn’t. i excelled in my studies, i excelled in sports, i excelled in anything i put my hands and head on. but i failed them… or so, they thought. they were complaining about having to see my contemporaries reach a certain peak in their career and that nobody in their children have reached anything. it’s because of this: YOU DON’T GIVE THEM THE CHANCE TO DO SO! how will they learn to decide for themselves if you decide for them? how do they learn to be themselves when they don’t even get to realize what their purpose in life is? take note: hindi ako suicidal ha!

i’m sorry if this ends up as something about VENTING again and being so random. i haven’t talked to my friends (by choice) and i refuse to talk to them now. why? it’s because i know that they’ve had enough of me also. i know it’s pathetic and i know i will regret someday that i get to blog this but the main reason i chose to do this is to remind myself. i have to remind myself that someday if i have my own family, i will not hold within my palm the lives of my children because it’s their own. i am only the guide. for God’s sake! i’m already __ years old… (hehe! the whole blog seems not willing to let my age appear.) and the sad thing about this is that i can’t do anything about it but just to hold on. when the problem is family, i have no choice but to hold on and think long term on how my actions will affect my relationship with them. how can i hate someone i love? conservative and strict? yes, that’s just they are. and can i do anything about it? maybe i can but i just don’t know how.

i have to agree with bluepanjeet. i have to utilize every coping mechanism that i can think of to be alright. i’m tired of complaining (but i just can’t stop) and i’m tired of having to rationalize everything. life is just that. that’s just the way things are. things do happen and although i get to say all the time that SHIT DO HAPPEN BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME, it does happen to me! i need to face the fact that it has to happen sometimes and i have to deal with that shit whether i like it or not. arrggghhh!!!!

there, i’m okay now. this blogging thing is really helpful, no? thank you for, at least, listening reading this blog despite of my numerous attempts to understand how pathetic my life is. aren’t you tired of me? i’m tired of me, you know. i’m tired of really being empathic about how frenetic this life is. i am a good girl but how come i have a very pitiful life?

anyway, for you, thank you for reading this. it’s pure rumblings, i know, but they have their beginnings. trust me. i had to spill everything out to be okay.

and yes, i forgot that i have online friends. i forgot to add that category to my previous entry. although we haven’t met, i’m glad i have you. i never thought anybody would listen read to anything i have to say. maybe you’re just like me too. you vent and you have your own story to tell. so to you, thank you.

hostage of respect?

warning: venting again

i should be happy coming home but i guess life has some weird way in surprising me. the worse part about it is i still get surprised even if i know things happen unexpectedly. i just realized too that my lacrimal gland can excrete so much tears. i now baptized it as the fountain of tears.

i don’t know if i can call this as sobriety. maybe i’m just too tired from too much crying and from nursing a splitting headache. why? because my vacation turned into a nightmare. why again? because i became a hostage of respect.

how do you call or demand for respect anyway?

is it by banging the door when everyone is still asleep just to let everyone know that you are the boss and the complete controller?

is it by checking the mails of your supposedly loved ones and reason out that it is for “safety”?

is it by demanding that permissions should be asked in person when you are not even around or you are somewhere inconvenient that going to where you are would mean wasting so much time and gasoline?

is it about asking permission only to be denied of what you ask for… like whether you ask it formally or not, the answer is still a very resounding NO? and why? nothing…. the only reason is JUST BECAUSE

is it about you manipulating the lives of other people, including your loved ones, just to show that you are powerful? that you neglect to realize that your way of protecting them is really hurting them big time… that your meaning of love is really suffocating them to death and killing the only life left they have. how can one live his or her life without actually having the means of exercising their discernment, their right to choose what’s best for themselves and for actually breathing the life that they own when their simple rights are being violated?

is it by holding your children to the neck without even giving a placable explanation? the reason is always WE ARE IN AUTHORITY… and the worse part is that whatever words are coming out of your mouth, everything still goes back to that reason and it only visibly shows that you are just afraid you are out of control? you always attribute it to RESPECT… respect demanded in a terrorizing way. terrorizing a strong word? isn’t intimidation inflicted with non-negotiable demand terrorizing?

no wonder i always go to my friends before you.

no, it’s not hostage of respect. it’s actually hostage of selfishness, insecurity and superiority complex. such a pity.

i need your help

i think i need more heads to figure out this situation. i know i have been telling my friends here about what i went through before and though i am living far away from those persons involved, there are times that i think i have gone pass them in terms of moving on. but do i really consider this moving on since i still get affected?

you see, i have this issue with one of my circles of friends. this group was really close to me because i was the string that attaches them all. i plan the gimiks, the outings, the parties… in the times that they were having a hard time getting everyone together, i pull the strings and make the get together happen. for 11 years they have been my friends and now i’m questioning the validity of the so-called friendship.

i had a very rocky relationship with my boyfriend. there was a time that for some complex reasons we hesitantly broke up. maybe we can consider it as a hiatus because we got back after a year and a half. in that dark one year and a half, i was so down and mopped out by misery that i really rely on friends who understand me to let me go on with life. maybe it was my mistake to think that i can count on them in times that i needed someone to listen to me without judging me. it was a mistake because they avoided me like i have some sort of a contagious disease. maybe they did that because my boyfriend is their friend too.

so try to see if i have the right to be “friends” with them… you know, be in a relationship which literally contains the essence of friendship.. or do i remain civil but be quiet when they are around; place a wall that will keep some sort of distance from one another. for me, i prefer the latter because i was truly hurt by their actions and words.

the following scenarios happened before which will describe why i felt violated and hurt. maybe you can help me sort my future actions because next week i will be seeing them again and my mind and heart are telling me to keep my distance.

thank you

this may be a little late but it’s better late than never. i want to thank bluepanjeet for nominating this blog as one of the emerging influential bloggers. i feel flattered and suprised at the same time because i didn’t realize that i get to influence people. the thought alone scares me. my intention before was just to vent and to rant. i never expected that i will be able to reach out to a lot people or have someone listen to whatever i have to say. with this very generic blog design and thoughts that are just rushing out of my mind, i sometimes think i bore you. but then i remind myself that i did this blog just for myself. you, readers, are already added bonus. your comments are even considered like manna from heaven.

heck! i don’t even know how to design this thing. if not for the kind people who take time to teach an idiot like me, this blog will just be purely words and no pictures (example: papa piolo’s pic. yihiii!!!) or links could have existed. i think i have to specially mention mix and bluepanjeet for promoting newbies like me too. see those stats right lowermost portion of this blog? it’s partly because of them.

now i have to explain this. some friends are asking why i write in english. it is because whenever i write in my diary before, i always thought that i can read faster when it is in english. plus, the ones who were early patrionizers of this blog are foreigners. so i owe it to them, and myself included, that i write in english. sa totoo lang, ayokong mauto ng ibang lahi kaya sinasanay ko na ang sarili ko sa pagsasalita ng 2,000 words per minute sa ingles.

so this post is actually to thank those who patronizes this blog despite of the fact that it has its own craziness… i always thought that this blog is like halo-halo… special nga lang because it’s mine. (walang kokontra!). i vent, explain, teach, complain, answer, whine, praise whatever comes into my mind. i might be damned for the other things that i write in here most especially the ones that are very sensitive but then, again, it’s my blog. those who oppose can make their own blog too and they can rant all they want.

so, dear readers, thank you very much. nominated or not, it doesn’t matter. what matters is that i get to write.