why do people blog?

i was talking to my best friend awhile ago and i told her that i really love reading blogs because it keeps me sane. for some reason, i take comfort in the idea that i am normal because other people go through situations like i get myself involved sometimes too. she is skeptical about having to air what we all go through but i told her that aside from the numerous reasons you all have, for one thing, blogging is very therapeutic. for me, it releases all sorts of emotions and thoughts that i have inside and i become okay after i blog. plus, i gain friends too.

i can’t speak for yourself but i’m giving this space for you to tell her and the rest of the world your reasons. so why do you blog?

who…

… do you want to meet and talk to in person? 5 persons whom you think you can’t talk to now but if given the opportunity and ways, what will you ask them and why? what do you want to know about them?

ggggrrrr!!!!

ggggrrrr!!! i can’t catch up with everything now! i miss blogging and i miss bloghopping. i miss bloghopping the most because i always feel that everyone has his or her own story and i’m always fascinated by that idea. it amazes me that we all go through different situations all at the same time and the thought that we get to have something to tell, well, it’s just good. it just shows that we are living our lives no matter how pathetic things are. that’s just the way it is.

i have so many things to say but, as usual, i don’t know where to start. i always get that mixed emotions of having to rationalize what i’m going through and trying to get the best out of everything even if it’s not the best thing. ang labo ko. i can’t help but feel pity for myself sometimes but i try to reason to myself that i really have to utilize every coping mechanism i can consciously take. ganyan talaga. when you want to be sane, you have to be insane at times. ang labo ko ulit.

sometimes i think i should have taken drugs or gotten myself pregnant or drank all the alcoholic drinks that the world has to offer and beat my threshold and to say that i, at least, deserve the punishment that i have to endure. i should have become a bad girl to make me justify that i truly deserved to be punished. but then i didn’t. i excelled in my studies, i excelled in sports, i excelled in anything i put my hands and head on. but i failed them… or so, they thought. they were complaining about having to see my contemporaries reach a certain peak in their career and that nobody in their children have reached anything. it’s because of this: YOU DON’T GIVE THEM THE CHANCE TO DO SO! how will they learn to decide for themselves if you decide for them? how do they learn to be themselves when they don’t even get to realize what their purpose in life is? take note: hindi ako suicidal ha!

i’m sorry if this ends up as something about VENTING again and being so random. i haven’t talked to my friends (by choice) and i refuse to talk to them now. why? it’s because i know that they’ve had enough of me also. i know it’s pathetic and i know i will regret someday that i get to blog this but the main reason i chose to do this is to remind myself. i have to remind myself that someday if i have my own family, i will not hold within my palm the lives of my children because it’s their own. i am only the guide. for God’s sake! i’m already __ years old… (hehe! the whole blog seems not willing to let my age appear.) and the sad thing about this is that i can’t do anything about it but just to hold on. when the problem is family, i have no choice but to hold on and think long term on how my actions will affect my relationship with them. how can i hate someone i love? conservative and strict? yes, that’s just they are. and can i do anything about it? maybe i can but i just don’t know how.

i have to agree with bluepanjeet. i have to utilize every coping mechanism that i can think of to be alright. i’m tired of complaining (but i just can’t stop) and i’m tired of having to rationalize everything. life is just that. that’s just the way things are. things do happen and although i get to say all the time that SHIT DO HAPPEN BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME, it does happen to me! i need to face the fact that it has to happen sometimes and i have to deal with that shit whether i like it or not. arrggghhh!!!!

there, i’m okay now. this blogging thing is really helpful, no? thank you for, at least, listening reading this blog despite of my numerous attempts to understand how pathetic my life is. aren’t you tired of me? i’m tired of me, you know. i’m tired of really being empathic about how frenetic this life is. i am a good girl but how come i have a very pitiful life?

anyway, for you, thank you for reading this. it’s pure rumblings, i know, but they have their beginnings. trust me. i had to spill everything out to be okay.

and yes, i forgot that i have online friends. i forgot to add that category to my previous entry. although we haven’t met, i’m glad i have you. i never thought anybody would listen read to anything i have to say. maybe you’re just like me too. you vent and you have your own story to tell. so to you, thank you.

what’s your…

.. life song?

life song(s) is/are song(s) that you think best describes your life. mine is I STAND by IDINA MENZEL,LOOKING FOR SOMETHING and BABY, DON’T YOU BREAK MY HEART by VONDA SHEPARD.

so what’s your life song?

hostage of respect?

warning: venting again

i should be happy coming home but i guess life has some weird way in surprising me. the worse part about it is i still get surprised even if i know things happen unexpectedly. i just realized too that my lacrimal gland can excrete so much tears. i now baptized it as the fountain of tears.

i don’t know if i can call this as sobriety. maybe i’m just too tired from too much crying and from nursing a splitting headache. why? because my vacation turned into a nightmare. why again? because i became a hostage of respect.

how do you call or demand for respect anyway?

is it by banging the door when everyone is still asleep just to let everyone know that you are the boss and the complete controller?

is it by checking the mails of your supposedly loved ones and reason out that it is for “safety”?

is it by demanding that permissions should be asked in person when you are not even around or you are somewhere inconvenient that going to where you are would mean wasting so much time and gasoline?

is it about asking permission only to be denied of what you ask for… like whether you ask it formally or not, the answer is still a very resounding NO? and why? nothing…. the only reason is JUST BECAUSE

is it about you manipulating the lives of other people, including your loved ones, just to show that you are powerful? that you neglect to realize that your way of protecting them is really hurting them big time… that your meaning of love is really suffocating them to death and killing the only life left they have. how can one live his or her life without actually having the means of exercising their discernment, their right to choose what’s best for themselves and for actually breathing the life that they own when their simple rights are being violated?

is it by holding your children to the neck without even giving a placable explanation? the reason is always WE ARE IN AUTHORITY… and the worse part is that whatever words are coming out of your mouth, everything still goes back to that reason and it only visibly shows that you are just afraid you are out of control? you always attribute it to RESPECT… respect demanded in a terrorizing way. terrorizing a strong word? isn’t intimidation inflicted with non-negotiable demand terrorizing?

no wonder i always go to my friends before you.

no, it’s not hostage of respect. it’s actually hostage of selfishness, insecurity and superiority complex. such a pity.