it’s so hard to write sometimes when i’m being controlled by such strong emotions. the surge of thoughts is rapidly filling my mind and to organize them is a failure.
i am not working now because i’m trying to figure out what to do with my life. as much as i want to deny that i don’t get affected with the movement of immigrant visas for nurses, my irritability has just to show. it peeks in my mind like a paparazzi waiting for the right shot or a boxer ready to pounce at me every middle of the month.
i used to argue with my boyfriend that i have to take up nursing because i see life bleak here in the philippines. although i am living a very comfortable life here, i just want the assurance of stability.
my mind was actually focused on new zealand. it has a socialist type of governance but not communist. you pay higher taxes but it goes back to you with services enough to satisfy you. it’s the second most safest place on earth and the most ideal country for rearing a family. it is clean and quiet. why shouldn’t i go there?
my family’s greatest worry is that we don’t know anyone from there. if something happens to me, they have no one to contact. this frustrates me a lot because it feels like i’m being imprisoned in an invisible cage. i couldn’t move on and start life on my own. i am an adventurous being and the thought of being drawn back is really off of my understanding.
so what’s the best option for everyone? america. okay. america is nice and everything but it’s not just ideal for me. have you seen the news lately? i don’t want to be imprisoned by my own money and material belongings. a friend of mine do not answer or open her door when someone rings their doorbell if nobody called in advance that they will be coming over. why? because she is afraid that it might be somebody who will hurt her or her family. then the elders who migrated there a long time ago are complaining about their children had already adapted the american way of living. i know it’s not wrong but we here in the philippines are better off than our cousins there in america. why? we are all college graduates and a lot of us are focus on work. we don’t have issues about children bringing over their boyfriends in there room and you don’t know what’s happening in there. we don’t have children go missing for three days only to find out that they were out with their friends.
i don’t want to pollute the mind of my future children that freedom and everything that goes with it is okay without discipline. you see, i still believe that in discipling a child, you should not spare the rod. i will go directly to jail if i would do that.
but then again, why america? because no matter what other people say, america still offers a lot of opportunities. our lives are all patterned and defined in the way america has influenced us. from values to schools, fashion trends, music… it just doesn’t end. the american culture is the nearest thing we almost have in common in terms of living our everyday lives. that’s the reason why a lot of us do not have a hard time adjusting once we step foot in their soil. and don’t you think the Filipinos have truly invaded america? when you are there, just look everywhere… you will see us everywhere.
so to see the visa bulletin last night was really a big blow. no immigrant visas available yet for hopefuls like me even if everything has been lodged as directed by the government agencies that deals with my application. news have been spurring out everywhere that they are in need of a lot of nurses. i just can’t seem to feel that. i can’t seem to connect the news with what’s really happening now because everything seems to be a lie. my life is being placed at the mercy of those who are giving that key to my future… the one that will reunite me with my boyfriend, for the stability in life and for a better future for my family. all it takes for those things to happen is a stamp that will say i am okay to work there and live my life.
so since it’s so farfetched, i’m off to look for other countries who are willing to utilize my capacity or if not, i’m staying here and go big with our business. i am not letting america stopping my life just because it is playing gods with my future. if it will open for me, then okay. if not, hehehehhe! i am good. it’s america’s lost. let them suffer. i just hope that they don’t grow old alone because no one will take care of them.
yep, i’m sourgraping but who wouldn’t when america seems to be offering the best of everthing only to leave you in mid air? the benefits are good, the salary is good… i just don’t get it! they swarm to us like as if there is no tomorrow but when you give your hand to them, they suddenly place you in a cloud of uncertainty. i hate it when i’m out of control.
anyway, i allotted this day as my thinking day. i have to decide once and for all what to do with this predicament. i can’t wait for america to happen. i have to live my life not half meant because i really hate it when my neck is being held by someone else.
