american dream or nightmare?

it’s so hard to write sometimes when i’m being controlled by such strong emotions. the surge of thoughts is rapidly filling my mind and to organize them is a failure.

i am not working now because i’m trying to figure out what to do with my life. as much as i want to deny that i don’t get affected with the movement of immigrant visas for nurses, my irritability has just to show. it peeks in my mind like a paparazzi waiting for the right shot or a boxer ready to pounce at me every middle of the month.

i used to argue with my boyfriend that i have to take up nursing because i see life bleak here in the philippines. although i am living a very comfortable life here, i just want the assurance of stability.

my mind was actually focused on new zealand. it has a socialist type of governance but not communist. you pay higher taxes but it goes back to you with services enough to satisfy you. it’s the second most safest place on earth and the most ideal country for rearing a family. it is clean and quiet. why shouldn’t i go there?

my family’s greatest worry is that we don’t know anyone from there. if something happens to me, they have no one to contact. this frustrates me a lot because it feels like i’m being imprisoned in an invisible cage. i couldn’t move on and start life on my own. i am an adventurous being and the thought of being drawn back is really off of my understanding.

so what’s the best option for everyone? america. okay. america is nice and everything but it’s not just ideal for me. have you seen the news lately? i don’t want to be imprisoned by my own money and material belongings. a friend of mine do not answer or open her door when someone rings their doorbell if nobody called in advance that they will be coming over. why? because she is afraid that it might be somebody who will hurt her or her family. then the elders who migrated there a long time ago are complaining about their children had already adapted the american way of living. i know it’s not wrong but we here in the philippines are better off than our cousins there in america. why? we are all college graduates and a lot of us are focus on work. we don’t have issues about children bringing over their boyfriends in there room and you don’t know what’s happening in there. we don’t have children go missing for three days only to find out that they were out with their friends.

i don’t want to pollute the mind of my future children that freedom and everything that goes with it is okay without discipline. you see, i still believe that in discipling a child, you should not spare the rod. i will go directly to jail if i would do that.

but then again, why america? because no matter what other people say, america still offers a lot of opportunities. our lives are all patterned and defined in the way america has influenced us. from values to schools, fashion trends, music… it just doesn’t end. the american culture is the nearest thing we almost have in common in terms of living our everyday lives. that’s the reason why a lot of us do not have a hard time adjusting once we step foot in their soil. and don’t you think the Filipinos have truly invaded america? when you are there, just look everywhere… you will see us everywhere.

so to see the visa bulletin last night was really a big blow. no immigrant visas available yet for hopefuls like me even if everything has been lodged as directed by the government agencies that deals with my application. news have been spurring out everywhere that they are in need of a lot of nurses. i just can’t seem to feel that. i can’t seem to connect the news with what’s really happening now because everything seems to be a lie. my life is being placed at the mercy of those who are giving that key to my future… the one that will reunite me with my boyfriend, for the stability in life and for a better future for my family. all it takes for those things to happen is a stamp that will say i am okay to work there and live my life.

so since it’s so farfetched, i’m off to look for other countries who are willing to utilize my capacity or if not, i’m staying here and go big with our business. i am not letting america stopping my life just because it is playing gods with my future. if it will open for me, then okay. if not, hehehehhe! i am good. it’s america’s lost. let them suffer. i just hope that they don’t grow old alone because no one will take care of them.

yep, i’m sourgraping but who wouldn’t when america seems to be offering the best of everthing only to leave you in mid air? the benefits are good, the salary is good… i just don’t get it! they swarm to us like as if there is no tomorrow but when you give your hand to them, they suddenly place you in a cloud of uncertainty. i hate it when i’m out of control.

anyway, i allotted this day as my thinking day. i have to decide once and for all what to do with this predicament. i can’t wait for america to happen. i have to live my life not half meant because i really hate it when my neck is being held by someone else.

couldn’t think of a title

randomness…

i am just not in the mood to say anything now. i just want to stare at a blank space and let my brain go numb. i am tired. i guess i’m just tired.

i just came back from a meeting and everything went well… more than what i expected actually. i wish all meetings will be like the one we had awhile ago instead of the ones that require interventions because of the never ending problems…

my friend went with me to that meeting. while we were on our way, she kept on complaining about what she saw on tv… according to her, UP graduates had their graduation ceremony in PICC and at the end of their graduation, some had placards asking for the ouster of the president. truthfully speaking, i really hate paying taxes only to be spent to students who are ungrateful. yes, they do pay a part of their tuition but it’s government subsidized. where do the government get their money? from us, people who pay taxes. i’m not quite satisfied with the way things are with them. you send them to school only to rebel? i don’t think that’s the solution for this country. opting for a rally or honking horns are the least ways for problems to be solved.

i just found out someone close to us is on drugs… i couldn’t believe how he would choose to be like that. he can’t even sustain himself… oh well… people do sometimes make stupid choices

i thought i can rest tomorrow. a friend sent me a text message that tomorrow will be the start of the new season for the interbatch alumni competition in our alma mater. we are such loyal alumni and supportive batchmates. we, the cheerleaders, have our own uniform to be worn during the games of our batchmates and we started it last year just for fun. i’m sure other batches are bound to follow our footsteps. i just hope that this time we will have the chance to be, at least, included in the semi-finals and not be eliminated easily.

the camera is still not here and i’m really getting anxious about it. i have long been wanting to study photography and while it’s not here, i’m just stuck reading materials related to it. my friend, ton, has been urging me to start shooting already so that we can both exchange ideas.

i just remembered something. my mother and i had a good laugh while my brother was explaining to us that he wants to join his friends playing airsoft. i told him that if he’s really determined to join and buy the needed gears, he should tell me so that we can ask my friend (who’s into it also and is selling those stuff) for a special price. our father told him about the tactics that he thinks would be good to follow. one thing he mentioned was that my brother should be physically fit because there will be running and jumping or whatever there is to do. my father then suddenly asked him if he’s really decided. he told my brother that he will be easily shot since he’s a big guy and his silhoutte will always reveal that it’s really him. lance and ahmed are not into it (and they are as big as him), the rest of their friends are quite small. my brother just scratched his head and laughed. napaisip tuloy si mokong kung anong gear ang pwedeng maging invisible sya.

when will i ever have that vacation that is purely vacation? one that i will just lie down and stare at the stars and hear the sweet sound of waves or just bathe myself in the sun while staring loosely to the sea….hmmmm… maybe i should ask for a few days off… next week my aunt will be here and has been asking me to go to their beach. i should go with her provided that i will not be pestered with questions on how to improve the place or the island. gusto ko lang talaga tumunganga.

i’m currently reading FOR ONE MORE DAY by MITCH ALBOM. i started reading it this afternoon while the electricity was out and i couldn’t do anything related to work. i think this one will be a good read just like Mitch Albom’s other books.

i miss the vampires. i hope that there will be another pictorial these coming days. it’s always fun and i always experience relief when i’m with them.

i do miss the boyfriend too. he’s been very busy and so am i. i hope things will be okay soon with my application so that we will be able to finalize everything. i will be adding some burden to him in the next few days for the presentation that i needed to do. he will not say no but i know that it will be an added load for him. syempre hindi talaga sya makaayaw kasi 2,000 words per minute ang maririnig nya. in fairness, OC yun sa design kaya hindi rin aayaw. one good thing about us now is that we encourage each other in terms of personal development as well as in our careers. no more fights and that is quite a relief.

and by the way, i got intruiged by the young guys living just across us. hhhmmmm… mukhang mga gwapisimo at ang gaganda ng katawan. kainis! alam ko mainit pero sana hwag naman nila expose katawan nila kasi baka bigla na lang ako magkaamnesia at makalimutan ko na lang boypren ko. pero hindi rin… sabay ganun.

i feel sleepy. my mind’s not working. to shawie, doo bidoo.. hahahahha! nakita ko si twinks kagina. bwahahaha! syempre, kalbo and yummy body pa rin. haaay… kasi naman eh… ang bata! i hope you get to see angel too wherever he is. i saw jonathan and portia yesterday at the review center. syempre we talked about that nonsense girl jima. pinangalanan pa eh. nonsense naman talaga. and yes, they hired me to do the rationalization and eventually be a lecturer. ano naman kaya ang ituro ko? baka manguna pa ako sa katarantaduhan. applying for that job was not really intentional. my friend gave my resume to that review center. i guess i just want to kill myself with more work. haay… sideline! at least it will be during my convenient time with topics of my choice. spoiled no?

i guess that’s all folks. hasta maniana!

being aware and appreciative

i have talked several times about my situation last year. it was not lovely, just thinking about it. my favorite description about it, which i oftenly joked about is, i was jobless, moneyless and loveless. though it’s still quite true in some ways today, i went over the edge to see it in a different perspective.

i am happy now and still pursuing joy. my being “jobless” now means i have all the time to do whatever i want. i can read all i want, i sing whenever i want to sing. (but i do have a terrible voice.) though i work in our family business, it’s not as hectic as it should be. the pressure is not too much to handle and i enjoy the flexibility that it offers. i can now easily have lunch or dinner with my best friend without having to double check my watch as to whether i’m late or not. imagine the things i’m learning too now. i’m taking spanish language class. i have piano lessons too. i read 3 books a week. i have coffee with friends whenever they have time. sometimes i go to the gym to lift weights. sometimes i’d try different things like boxing. i was thinking of joining the toastmasters because i really have this unexplained fear of talking in front of the crowd, or speak or just the mere fact that i am facing someone in authority makes me nervous. my mother has been urging me to take cooking lessons (coz i’m such a terrible cook). i have been reading blogs too about financial stability. i believe that i needed that to make myself ready in case i will be called for that job offer. i have also been educating myself about personality development. some people think i’m so negative and so tactless. i’m learning to let go of them. photography is something i long wanted to do too. since i have only a point and shoot kind of camera, i fully utilize it by having friends pose for me. sometimes i just click and click until i get satisfied with what i got.

i redefined the meaning of moneyless now. though i don’t have enough money to satisfy my belief about “abundance”, i shifted my attention to being grateful of what i got. this prompted me to be diligent with tithing. i am more of a cheerful giver now than before. because i am fully aware that much of what i have now are gifts, i persistently tell myself that i should be thankful for them. in fact, it is only this year i realized how much i get free “expensive” stuff. my family, some friends and relatives are really loving enough to give me whatever they think i like. i don’t force them. they just give. imagine how lucky i am to experience such generous beings. i shouldn’t complain. as much as it is a cliche, i have to count my blessings.

loveless was really out of context when i mentioned that. a lot of people love me and i tend to neglect that. i had to push my awareness at a higher level to make me realize how i am being appreciated. i don’t have to bite. i don’t have to be mean. i am just me and people do accept me as that. and for those who don’t, i have learned to let them go. i realized that i don’t have to please everybody. no matter how much effort i will exert, some will never be contented. i learned to let go of control and that is control of others. instead, i learned the importance of self control. i can only control what i think and feel. i can’t control the situation but i can control my reaction. this has really helped me to let go and move on. i learned to forgive too. when i did that, slowly i learned to forget. i learned to take care of myself. i have to love myself. who else can better do that? simple things make me happy now. the love, care and appreciativeness of other people towards me, i learned to be aware of that and stopped being too dramatic. i learned to keep my mouth shut too.

i once thought that i can’t do the things i wanted to do because i didn’t have time. i have the time now and God gives me everything. i am thankful for all of these.

so anyone care to be jobless, moneyless and loveless?

life is so much interesting now

i often described myself as jobless, moneyless and loveless in reference to my state last year. because of that situation, my self esteem really took the last ticket for a ride to obvious self-pity. i lost a lot of friends. i lost interest in life. i’d wake up in the morning for the sake of waking up. at night my solace was having myself produce a bucketful of tears. have you ever seen someone cried from watching a whole season of a non-dramatic tv series all through out from the start to the end? i did that. two trips to the hospital didn’t even manage to pull me out from overkilling myself with so much “misery”. the third time i went to the doctor for a flu check up, he was asking me what i’m worried about. of course i made up stories about me not leaving yet… and i’m sure he didn’t bite that very shallow reason.

i don’t want to speak about what made me a jobless, moneyless and loveless person but it made me tougher than ever. i used to rationalize that God will never give me a very heavy situation because He is aware that i’m a shallow person and i won’t be able to survive unbearable trials. but then He is God and i’m glad He knows better than me because i could have easily fooled myself in agreeing with the kind of thinking i had then. anyway, i appreciated the fact that i did went through that phase. though it was too dark and i can never ever suggest anyone to go through it because of the pain, loneliness and with all sorts of misery that i had to endure. but it did make me see another avenue of life. i learned to appreciate what i have now. i learned to be grateful of all the things that were still left of me. i acknowledged the presence of my weaknesses as well as my strengths. it was only then i realize my capacity to face everything in life. i still do have friends (i’m not that bad!) but there are only few who are allowed to enter my comfort zone. these are the people who did their best not to judge me, took time to pretend that my ventings are legitimate, listened carefully and tirelessly about my ramblings with life, and took time to give insightful but practical advices. nobody can ever demand to cut them off from my life because they were there. some just even listened… didn’t bother to say anything. they just made it known that they were there for me. i truly, truly appreciated that.

at one time, i think i grew tired of even listening to my own self. i took one step by enrolling myself to the gym. i thought i needed change. i took it upon myself (and my other friend who was going through the same ordeal as me) to go to the gym every other day to at least let me see myself that i’m not completely stuck at the bottom of the cycle of life. i started to take care of myself. i thought that if nobody did care, i should be the one who should exert the effort to be my own friend. i frequented the bookstore. that’s when i saw the books of dr. norman vincent peale. i devoured myself with his teachings. i inspired myself that one day i will be okay. even my best friend exerted her best effort to make things easier for me. she enrolled us in spanish class. then, she took time (despite her very busy schedule) to organize a small get together with our other friends to celebrate my birthday. i was a complete mess. i cried that night for being so bad to myself and that it took some very caring people to make me see that life will get better. i prayed to God and thank Him for such a wonderful best friend and very understanding set of friends.  oh and you know what’s worse? when i first got hospitalized, my supposedly business partners ditched me because i wasn’t able to give them the money which was supposed to be used for all the things that we needed to pay BUT used all the strategies and written works for their own benefit. didn’t even mind rephrasing what i wrote. it took them awhile to inform me that i was not part of the group and in fact, i was the one initiated the communication. so see what it’s like to be jobless, moneyless and loveless person is?

in the past years, i usually get the blues during the first 2 weeks of december. last year was different. those two weeks became the resolution weeks. i was confident enough to convince myself that this year is the year of good results. i wrote down all the things that needed to be changed and that what i should expect with the upcoming year. though the expectations were not that big, at least, it made me hopeful that life is really becoming to be okay.

february is almost at its end and i’m happy to say that i believe in on the right path. life is very interesting now. now i read at least 3 books a week and i am amazed as how my mind can be like a sponge. it is hungry for more knowledge and more information. i appreciate almost everything the orchids in my mother’s garden make me happy. i took piano lessons again. the spanish lessons are still going on and i have no plans to stop. the family business is still doing good and i have a healthy relationship with my family now. i’m not loveless as i once thought of myself. i’m full of love. i love my nephews very much. their laughters are like music to my ears. i am doing another business. it’s somewhat related to the first one (where “friends” ditched me) and this one has a bigger potential client base. one friend, MASA_, told me that i just need to let go of what those people did to me because karma will still prevail and he believe i can always come up with something. i sure did. and guess what? despite of my jobless and being moneyless, i still do get very nice stuff… for free. imagine how lucky i am! sometimes i joke to my mother’s secretaries that everything i wear from head to toe to my bags and to the contents of my bags, all are donated by someone else except for my bra and panty. LOL!

my mindset is different now. i don’t see life as something as black and white. life is beautiful. its colors are the one that makes life meaningful and precious.  my second chance in life opens its doors to more learning, more appreciation and more creativity in facing challenges. i have rested now from those very strong storms and i’m glad to say that i am alive and happy. i did excellently with the test of life after all.

life is…

i was supposed to write about my conversaton with my friend, CST. i changed my mind. i’m feeling kinda sentimental now. i don’t know if it’s awe or if it’s just a humbling self talk about life. i have this bratty tendency to complain about boredom or about being useless. yes, i do feel useless at all times and when i do feel that i want to spend the whole day with a one-woman self-pity party. i’d wallow about how i’m being misunderstood and being misjudged for actually being stagnant. don’t get me wrong. i’m stagnant because i’m waiting for something which is the actual key to the very thing i’m determined to do.

it’s the same thing that my friend, CST, complains about. she thinks that sometimes it’s really not an option to join her friends most especially when they ask why she is still single and jobless.  Everytime she is in that situation, her self-esteem dives to the lowest point. being jobless actually is not by choice. it is because the very thing that separates us from what we want to do is out of our control at this moment. the thing that is asked for us to do is to wait. waiting is not a problem as long as it doesn’t count years. that key is the only way also for us to join the rat race. imagine, when everyone else is trying to figure out how to ditch the rat race, we, on the other hand, yearns to join… we are anxious to be in it.

when idleness strikes me, i know it’s a start of another emotional rollercoaster ride for me. i have resolved to remind myself that i have to be mindful about this… i have to tell myself that i do live my life now. i am singing, i am playing piano, i am learning a new language, i am breathing fresh air, i enjoy the orchids in my mother’s garden, i have the golden moments of hearing my nephews laugh, cry and be a playmate to them. i have the luxury to hear the older relatives talk about the past… about what it was like during their time.. how they go to dance with escorts… how they would spend their time… it’s amazing! hmmm…. i actually have the time to dance, to enjoy a private island and resort.. i have luxury to sit in a coffee shop, have time for myself and read my current favorite book. i have my anxiety beads. i have my closest friends who are willingly available to listen with my qualms… i have acquaintances who are willing to spend some time enjoying each others’ company. i have parents who enjoy spoiling me with whatever i want (even at this age of mine).  who could ever seize the moment of having a glass or two of margarity with her best friends? me! listen to the birds chirp over my window…. and how about the rain pouring…. smell it??

life is good. i am in love. i love life. really.