Ifoundme's Weblog

this is going to be short. i just want to write my thoughts down to ease the sadness i feel.

i couldn’t forget that very bold, loud and very authoritative voice. his words always ended with a period. oftentimes, my cousins would opt to stay away from where he was because they were afraid of him. i, on the other hand, would have mixed emotions. i would often feel afraid and in awe at the same time for i haven’t known someone who doesn’t seem to know what “afraid” and “fear” mean. well,  except for tito billy. they just don’t exist in his world.

he was really family to us. he calls our grandparents daddy and mommy and he was our parents’ ninong during their wedding. his wife was my guardian when i studied in manila and they would, at times, fetch me from where i was staying and bring me to their home during the weekends. whenever i’m at their house, there would often be late night talks about what’s really happening in our lives. those are the times i couldn’t forget because his laughter would fill the whole house. he would joke that i should study well because he wanted me to be his boss someday. i would end up just giggling about the absurdity of the thought.

i remember he loved flowers. whenever he comes here in our house, he would go immediately to my mother’s garden of orchids. he would take time to appreciate the beauty of flowers which fill every corner of my mother’s collection. for some reason, my mother’s orchids never stopped blooming. maybe that’s the very thing which captured his attention.

i am smiling now. why? because i just realized one thing: he was dainty of both guns and orchids.

yes, he loved guns. maybe that’s one of the reason why he and my father are of the same wavelength. i would jump around the guns they lay on the floor feeling afraid they would fire if i dare to touch them. but it was the same experience also which made me realize the hardships they had to go through especially when they had to go on their respective duties. from the time they decided to become soldiers, they had already accepted the fact that any time they will die in combat.

maybe that’s just it. courage was inevitable. it is a must considering how dangerous their operations where chasing after rebels and hard core criminals.

so the 360 turn was not surprising after all.

i remember how they were before the ‘89 coup. i remember the aftermath of the coup. i remember how we all went through after that failed event. i remember how he tried protecting us. i remember how my parents went through to visit him. my mother’s bp almost shot up even when she didn’t have hypertension just visiting him “there”.

i also remember the courage both his wife and my mother had when he, together with his group, opted to be a catalyst of change. they fought for this country.

they fought for our future. i remember how we, the children, all had to go through. i remember his 3rd child had to stand up against the whole school just because she is her father’s daughter. i, on the hand, was assured by him, some of his comrades and my father as  to what extent they will protect me and my friends when we almost got expelled for “entertaining the thoughts of the rebels”.

how can i ever say that the people around me didn’t love this country? i was living and breathing history. thanks to him and thanks to my father. i would not dare try to ask to change what happened in the past because what they did molded and rooted my love for this country.

for all that we all went through, i couldn’t dare to hate him and my father. why? because they took action. they didn’t have to write or speak. they acted.

if the whole philippines hated him, i can’t, i won’t and will never do the same. i had the most unique life experience and for who i am now, it is partly because i looked up to him. he paved one of the ways for me to have another perspective of what life should be but at the same time he would explain why things should be done in such a way others won’t dare to do them. he and my father chose the road less traveled, thus, only a few understood.

a lot of people were afraid of him. maybe it’s with the looks or with the voice… but for me, he was one of my heroes. i wanted to have the strength he possessed. i wanted to emulate his  courage and convictions.   he took change by action, not just by merely talking about it.

kaya siguro hindi ako masyadong bilib sa mga taong dakdak lang ng dakdak tungkol sa sitwasyon ng bansa natin o di kaya yung mga taong reklamo lang ng reklamo…. sa mundo ko kasi, kung gusto nila may mangyayari, gumagawa at gumagalaw sila. kumbaga, do it first before you complain. hindi nila dinadaanan sa intellectual bullshitting lahat. galaw. galaw. galaw. isa si tito billy dyan.

i only saw my father cried twice. once when his dad, my grandfather, died and the other time was last night. tito billy was one of those very, very few my father loved and placed on a higher esteem.

i don’t think i can write anything more. i am really mourning. the thought of him makes my mind be filled with so many thoughts about him and his family but, at the same time, my mind goes blank for no apparent reason whenever i want to write more.

so to tito billy…. it was one hell of a ride, tito! i give you my last salute!