Ifoundme's Weblog

It’s a shame. I neglected this blog once again. As usual, I have my reasons.

I took some time off to enjoy  my life. I am a busy girl, I know that and I think everybody knows that. I just took some time off to unwind and, well, I needed to do something.

If my friends are clever enough to know where to look for answers, then maybe they will get to read this.

For two weeks, I disappeared from everybody’s life. It was unplanned but intentional. The one that actually prompted me to do it was when I attended a cousin’s wedding. It felt quite nostalgic during that time because the moment everyone marched in, it felt like my own dream wedding was being done. From the music to the yearning of having older brothers…  it was surprisingly close to what I wanted.  What’s more surprising was that I was smiling. I could have frowned at it knowing how things turned out for me.

But I do love weddings. I always shed a tear or two secretly whenever the bride walks in because it felt like she’s the most beautiful girl in the world and the idea that one such event can unfold a new phase in a girl’s life, that is quite fascinating. Well, for me it is.

Anyway, during that, it felt like I’ve reached a certain plateau. I had accepted the things that were meant to be and not meant to be and suddenly the world has so much to offer to me. I was excited but I had nobody to share it with.

I have been trying to send text messages to some friends but they were quite busy to even answer back. If they did, it will be like hours after or a day after I sent my sms. I was disappointed actually for being left out especially when they think they don’t need me for anything but I know they have their own lives to live.

I guess that was the time also when I realized that I have been putting everyone first before myself. At that moment, I decided to wrap up all the things needed to be done before unthinkably put my gut into action.

I told my family about what I wanted to do, get my things readied and then headed to a place where I thought I can have time all for myself. I still brought my cellphones even if I wanted to leave them behind. But for the sake of my family’s sanity, I brought them with me.

For days, I neglected everyone’s call and text messages except those of my family opting only to read various books I brought with me and listen to the ipod which I stashed with my favorite songs. I was determined to appreciate the moon and stars at night, the scenery all around me and my anonymity within my surroundings.  At that time, time was my greatest ally. The past seemed to be a blur and there was not much willingness to dig up with it. The future was even at a standstill. I was not rushing to make plans or worry about it. It felt like I am in complete control of my life and the world I’m in.

I don’t normally watch tv but one afternoon, I just took the remote control and surfed through the channels and found myself got hooked with this koreanovela boys over flowers. For three days I watched the whole thing and my, oh my, I got addicted.

I am laughing now as I write this because this is so corny of me but let me tell you, it opened a lot of things about me. Yes, it uncovered the strengths I once possessed. (oh please, don’t laugh… I know it’s crazy!)

Watching the whole thing made me realize how adventurous I was once, how innocently gutsy and determined too. I never backed down from the challenges no matter how humiliating they were and no matter how hard things were. Lately I have been timid and bashful in dealing with life’s crossings but I must admit I learned a lot from them. I may say that I’ve come out beautifully because of the battles I had to endure.  But still, there were instances wherein I cowardly turn things around just because they were hard.

No lost cause actually. Just more additives were sprinkled to spice things up for me.

These realizations made me want to thank Yoko Kamio (writer and mangaka of Boys over Flowers) for coming up with this Hana Yori Dango. I want to write her actually and thank her for opening a lot of things… I know, weird of me, but it did spring out a lot of the person that I am.

But something is missing still. That’s when I remembered this thing I read once and even posted it here in my blog.

Again, I found myself following my gut. I booked myself for a one way ticket to Manila and opted to stay in a hotel instead of staying in the empty condos of my relatives. I know my reason why I went to Manila. I want to close cycles and move on.

Before even the plane landed in Manila, my nights were already filled with dinners scheduled to meet up with some friends. Some I have issues with, some I haven’t seen for awhile and some I just wanted to reconnect with. I had no expectations except to dampen the past with moments of closure. Whatever unfinished business I had with anybody, I just let them be.

There were “friends” who were thrilled to see me again and there were those who felt obligated. No matter how they felt, it was no big deal with me. The important thing was that I am wrapping things up and I was indeed closing cycles.

To those who really took time to be with me and actually asked how I was, I was truly grateful. They were important to me.. to efi, inaki,  jowel, alan, my blockmates, former officemates… I was really grateful for being genuinely caring still at this stage of our lives regardless how people insist that everyone has moved on. I was surprised really for the kindness of checking on me and the propensity of concern. It’s so surreal that it makes me smile.

I want to take this opportunity to thank Ton, Camille, Sands and Rey for taking good care of me and for taking some time off to make me feel welcome. To Jeff, Cons and Drake who were very warm in fetching me in the airport, watch a movie and drink the night away. To Jeff, most especially, for going all the trouble in saving me from some unexpected circumstances, thank you. You know who you are, mare. Hehehe!

Hats off also to Al and Rai for going out of their way in meeting me, watched a supposedly horror movie that turned into comedy, and for having coffee at the “pond” area of that mall. Some simple actions can really cause a wave of happiness…. That’s how I felt then.

Drinking at 4pm with Haps and laughing out loud with Rickman til we can’t drink another bottle of beer anymore was really, really fun! Having coffee at Figaro, Emerald Ave., with Rickman and Ton was dreamlike. It almost brought me back to the way things were when we were still busily buzzing about things happening in the so called “lost dream” – the company where we worked before. Wished coy was there too. Just actually standing at the sidewalk at that once “posh” (or so I thought) area brought so much warmth and happiness. Memories rushed through which I can’t help but laugh at. Imagine a person standing at a side walk, holding an umbrella, staring at a tall building and smiling in such a gloomy weather… that was me! Hahaha!

I don’t think I will ever forget this trip. There was so much plus plus that I extended my stay there so many times to accommodate a lot of dinner invites, lunch and even coffee. Up til now I can’t help but smile.

I’m quite embarrassed actually for underestimating people and for expecting too much from people I thought who cared but that doesn’t matter now. I know in my heart that they have all their proper places in my life. That’s quite good enough already.

To efi, jowel and alan… my big brothers… thank you… it’s overwhelming really. I once forgot how it is to at least have a bit of reliance to people like you and I’m glad I got it back. Thank you, thank you. I guess I got too independent that I forgot it’s okay to be interdependent.

To inaki, well, you just don’t know how grateful I am to you. Some day I’ll write it here why I’m saying that. I think you are the Ji Hoo of my life.

Anyway, after three weeks of hiatus, I sent some sms to some friends here in bacolod apologizing for not being in touch and for being quiet for so long. They don’t know how important that “disappearance” was to me.

And to set the record straight, I was not running away from anything. I was in fact facing everything. It just looked like I was “isolating” myself from everyone (like the way an acquaintance described it) but the matter of fact was that I was closing a lot of issues from the past and opening a lot of doors of opportunities for the present.

Maybe they couldn’t understand that aside from Bacolod, I have a life connected with some people not from here. My world is wider and it just happens to be interlaced with relationships not normally the same with them.

So there. For like 3 weeks, I had the time of my life. Those three weeks were very important to me and it accomplished a lot. In fact, it surpassed everything I wished to attain.

As I’m typing this, I’m back in our office here in Bacolod in a Saturday afternoon. I have already gone back to my usual routine but things are quite different now… positively different.

Now, if only I can have that address of Yoko Kamio… I’d really like to write her… hehehehe!