Ifoundme's Weblog

Again, thank God for blogs! I know i can easily vent with my whining partner (thanks to tin!) but there are times when i just want to let it out without messing up her mind about me contradicting my own self and will end up making her more confused. Don’t laugh because I even confuse my own self. hahaha!

Anyway, I am here typing my thoughts down again because I got this text message asking me to choose the color I like and the sender will tell me what type of a kisser I am. I chose green and blue being my favorite colors. It was a no-brainer, of course, because I will always answer those colors no matter what type of interpretation will be done. Another point is that I didn’t want to think because I know I will still end up choosing those colors anyway.

Guess what green and blue mean? Green says I’m a sweet kisser (aawwwww….) and blue means I am an expert (woot!). I giggled silently as i read the “interpretations” or “meanings” of those colors but sent a very convincing HAHAHAHAHA to the sender. He told me that it was just a text and baka naman daw totoo yung interpretation about me being a sweet and expert kisser. I said I wouldn’t know and jokingly added that if ever the ex thinks of texting me, i’ll ask him about it, and i know it will never happen because the ex would rather die than text me. It will kill the life in him.

I was quite surprise to receive a response saying that I might not be moving on yet because I keep on bringing up the ex. hhhhmmmmmm…………….

Here’s the thing: the topic was about KISSING and, frankly, I haven’t kissed someone who wasn’t my boyfriend. Of course, I’m bringing up the ex because he was the one I kissed. (ggrrrr!!! airing my laundry alert!) And I’m boring, I know.

I brought up the ex because, again, I don’t just kiss around and I don’t know if i’m really a good kisser. But my point about bringing this up here is to appease with the idea that I have a different definition of moving on.

I always had an issue with the quote “forgive and forget”. I always struggle reconciling that with my own thoughts, values and beliefs.

There are times I can easily forgive but there are also times when forgiving can be the most burdensome thing to do. Even if the rock i’m carrying is being removed from my back, there are instances i would rather choose to deprive myself from the relief of it.

Of course the variety of my responses are based on the gravity of the situation. But I know one thing: no matter how long it will take, I know it is by God’s mercy I get to forgive.

Forgetting, on the other hand, is another issue. It is something I can’t quite get myself out of the bewilderment of having  myself force to really forget. I mean, how can you forget a thing or things that actually happened? I know I can push the situations way back into the deepest corner of my mind and let the cobwebs of thoughts cover them but they can be easily retrieved. Easy as a pie really.

Forgetting, for me, is denying myself of the truth. Even if I will cause myself to be granted of amnesia, I know things did happen. That will never change.

Forgetting is denial. That is not moving on.

So what is moving on for me? ACCEPTANCE. Forgiveness and acceptance to be exact. Accepting the reality of the situations back then has moved me to be kinder to myself. It has moved me to forget about drinking the very “poison” i want my “enemy” to drink. It has shoved me to examine the things I needed to correct about myself because, frankly, I have only myself to look after to now.

It has also shown me to appreciate the things I ignored before which are worth remembering… the good and bad times of the relationship and even the person that the ex was. Having to experience love and to be loved are the two things which are worth going through in life and acceptance made me see that also.

Yes, I did say things like all I can always remember are the arguing, the fights, the misunderstandings but I do remember too the good times… especially HK. They are still precious.

I have always been the extreme kind of person. I always see only the whites and the blacks but I consciously make an effort to acknowledge the grays and the colors everytime I catch myself carelessly reacting between the whites and blacks. (now i’m confusing you!) Stopping myself from reacting too much made me see both sides of the coin… or the half full, half emptiness of a glass. How I wish I can ignore some things but I just can’t. I see them all and I remember them all… well, maybe not all but I do remember some things.

Moving on, for me, is making peace with the past. I am not harming myself physically, mentally and emotionally. I can in fact look back without stabbing my own heart with misery or regrets. I have come to accept the ugliness and the prettiness of the relationship I had once with him. I have also reconciled with the idea of acknowledging the things they were and what has become of him and I as separate entities. I am living in the present with gusto and without having the past intertwine with it to the point of sabotaging the gift of the present. I am, in fact, looking forward to the surprises the future can bring.

So bringing up the ex in the conversation doesn’t mean I haven’t moved on. I just didn’t have anybody to make an example. No, I don’t choose using common friends as an example or I’ll be fried to death. Hahahah! The reason actually is as plain as that.

Just take a look at these words I got from listening with Gabrielle’s song Gonna Get Better.

You gotta live your life
Cause life is for the living
And you don’t know
If you’ll get the chance again
You gotta find a way to hold on maybe
Faith will help you carry on
Just fight it
Take it in your stride
It’s gonna be alright

The worse thing to happen to a person is to be dead even when alive and I don’t want myself to go through that. I chose to accept things as they were because that’s what life is about. You experience love, you get hurt and shit did happen even to someone like me who thought it would never happen. I thought I was exempted but I wasn’t. But that’s life and that’s what make it beautiful.

So, forgiveness + acceptance = moving on. I hope I made it clear.