ggggrrrr!!!!
ggggrrrr!!! i can’t catch up with everything now! i miss blogging and i miss bloghopping. i miss bloghopping the most because i always feel that everyone has his or her own story and i’m always fascinated by that idea. it amazes me that we all go through different situations all at the same time and the thought that we get to have something to tell, well, it’s just good. it just shows that we are living our lives no matter how pathetic things are. that’s just the way it is.
i have so many things to say but, as usual, i don’t know where to start. i always get that mixed emotions of having to rationalize what i’m going through and trying to get the best out of everything even if it’s not the best thing. ang labo ko. i can’t help but feel pity for myself sometimes but i try to reason to myself that i really have to utilize every coping mechanism i can consciously take. ganyan talaga. when you want to be sane, you have to be insane at times. ang labo ko ulit.
sometimes i think i should have taken drugs or gotten myself pregnant or drank all the alcoholic drinks that the world has to offer and beat my threshold and to say that i, at least, deserve the punishment that i have to endure. i should have become a bad girl to make me justify that i truly deserved to be punished. but then i didn’t. i excelled in my studies, i excelled in sports, i excelled in anything i put my hands and head on. but i failed them… or so, they thought. they were complaining about having to see my contemporaries reach a certain peak in their career and that nobody in their children have reached anything. it’s because of this: YOU DON’T GIVE THEM THE CHANCE TO DO SO! how will they learn to decide for themselves if you decide for them? how do they learn to be themselves when they don’t even get to realize what their purpose in life is? take note: hindi ako suicidal ha!
i’m sorry if this ends up as something about VENTING again and being so random. i haven’t talked to my friends (by choice) and i refuse to talk to them now. why? it’s because i know that they’ve had enough of me also. i know it’s pathetic and i know i will regret someday that i get to blog this but the main reason i chose to do this is to remind myself. i have to remind myself that someday if i have my own family, i will not hold within my palm the lives of my children because it’s their own. i am only the guide. for God’s sake! i’m already __ years old… (hehe! the whole blog seems not willing to let my age appear.) and the sad thing about this is that i can’t do anything about it but just to hold on. when the problem is family, i have no choice but to hold on and think long term on how my actions will affect my relationship with them. how can i hate someone i love? conservative and strict? yes, that’s just they are. and can i do anything about it? maybe i can but i just don’t know how.
i have to agree with bluepanjeet. i have to utilize every coping mechanism that i can think of to be alright. i’m tired of complaining (but i just can’t stop) and i’m tired of having to rationalize everything. life is just that. that’s just the way things are. things do happen and although i get to say all the time that SHIT DO HAPPEN BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME, it does happen to me! i need to face the fact that it has to happen sometimes and i have to deal with that shit whether i like it or not. arrggghhh!!!!
there, i’m okay now. this blogging thing is really helpful, no? thank you for, at least, listening reading this blog despite of my numerous attempts to understand how pathetic my life is. aren’t you tired of me? i’m tired of me, you know. i’m tired of really being empathic about how frenetic this life is. i am a good girl but how come i have a very pitiful life?
anyway, for you, thank you for reading this. it’s pure rumblings, i know, but they have their beginnings. trust me. i had to spill everything out to be okay.
and yes, i forgot that i have online friends. i forgot to add that category to my previous entry. although we haven’t met, i’m glad i have you. i never thought anybody would listen read to anything i have to say. maybe you’re just like me too. you vent and you have your own story to tell. so to you, thank you.
sis, kung hindi available ang mga narrow friends, acquiantances at mga true friends mo, andito naman kami para sa iyo!=)
“i am a good girl but how come i have a very pitiful life?”
e sis, ganyan tlga pag artistahin! hindi nawawalan ng problema..hehehe..
go lang ng go!…go with the flow of life=)hehehe
rio
July 8, 2008 at 8:30 am
red horse lang katapat ng problemang yan…
taps
July 8, 2008 at 8:57 am
actually you can be my friend. . if you like. alam mo madale lang ang paliwanag dyan. its because walang contentment ang tao. once you are good at something they want to see the best you could be. they will push us to our very limit until they found theirselves being discontented of seeing things as it is. ang hirap ng ganyan. well actually our story lies on the same track but not on the same direction. because i never vent. i always strive to go on top. I dont care about the critics of my friends and family. i dont care if i dont fulfill their expectations.. basta alam kong tama ang ginagawa ko i dont push myself too much. eto lang ako at dapat nilang matanggap kung ano lang ang kaya nating ibigay at ipakita.
tina
July 8, 2008 at 9:14 am
there you go! blogging is cathartic, my dear. it helps us relieve our stresses. wag mo nang i-label nang venting dahil hindi naman. this is a positive way of releasing your frustrations. let it be.
utakmunggo
July 8, 2008 at 9:42 am
ispits ba to? oh well. itong blog na to ang una kung binuksan, click ot watever the right term. pero pagkakita ko ng long post.sini-set aside ko muna. bloghop muna hanggang sa mareach ko ang letter t. ito binalikan kita kasi i have to take time to read your longerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr post. lmao.
iba yung pagsulat na dinidikta ng utak with feelings. maramdaman mo ang bawat emotion na sinasaad ng mga linya. or maybe may dugo ka talagang writer. hekhek. scroll up….naka-relate ako sa post mo. napakahigpit ng family ko nun sa akin. tumanda akong hindi masyado na expose, hindi nabigyan ng full freedom to explore at wala masyadong experience dahil laking nido ako 3 plus. joke. seriously ganun talaga ang nangyari. hindi ka naman siguro matanda keysa sakin. kaya ito ang pananaw mo. may konting sisi o regret sa buhay sa pamilya. pero you know what ganun rin ako, pero konti na kasi natanggap ko na lahat. just do your best. hindi pa naman huli. enjoy life. Isa lang ang na learn ko at na-realize bout sa family. whatever happen hindi ka nila iiwan. at kung naging mahigpit man sila sau sobra dahil they really care. kaso hindi sa tamang process. i dont treat my nieces and nephews like the way my parents especially my mom and my sisters. Kaya mas open ang mga pamangkin ko sa akin. Kelangan ang advise instead na i admonish. let them have their own freedom basta sa kabutihan. set yourself as an example. ako hindi ako nagagalit sa mga nakakabata sa akin. takot ako na ibalik nila sa akin ang sasabihin ko. hakhak. scroll up again…. naubos na. wala na ako may idagdag pa. go girl and spread your wings. dapat nasa tama ang paggamit. goodluck. lie is wonderful!
redlan
July 8, 2008 at 11:08 am
life* not life.
redlan
July 8, 2008 at 11:10 am
new look ah… astig, ilang linggo lang akong nawala eh parang ang dami na nabago…medyo magulo sa umpisa ‘no? pero kung minsan kailangan natin ang maging magulo para maging maayos (medyo magulo rin.. nagkahawahan na), pano malalamang maayos kung di magulo, diba?
makiki-amen ako kay utakmunggo, uu nga nakaka-wala ng pagod ‘tong blogging na ‘to.
mangyan ako
July 8, 2008 at 11:54 am
Grabe naman yung post mo! Ano bang problema? Iinum na lang natin yan at ikain ng ice cream sa luneta. Di mo ako sinama sa EB niyo siguro bawal ang cute dun.. hehe!! Ingat at wag masyadong paapekto sa mga problems, bahala ka papangit ka niyan..
emoboyblue
July 8, 2008 at 11:59 am
Tama si Taps redhorse lang at sisig lang katapat nyan LOL
anyhow ganyan talaga buhay. sa tanda kong ito minsan nga naiisip ko na mawala na lang parang bula o dikaya matulog na lang habang buhay sa dami ng depression na umaatake sa akin. Though my friends before are addicts (seriously) pero I never tried drugs before. Ang pinaka eskapo ko sa problema ay matulog ng matulog haha. sa panaginip ko kasi masaya ako. pag gising naku po ayan na naman ang problema LOL pero in time naaccept ko rin na talagang problema ay inevitable
normal na dumaan ang ganyang feeling. Pero sabi nga sa ating psychiatric nursing dapat ang depression ay tumatagal lang ng 2 weeks. pag lampas na don baka pathologic at psyachiatric na hehe. Ayus lang yan. don’t be too hard on yourself sis. It happens to everybody. Ma-alarma ka pag wala ka ng problema kasi life sukcs pag ganun. so smile naman at….
ITAGAY MO! LOL
bluepanjeet
July 8, 2008 at 3:12 pm
halika na, magshopping na tayo!
vanny
July 8, 2008 at 5:00 pm
breathe!!! Anyway I’ll add you in my blog roll . cheer up na ha!
aLiNe
July 9, 2008 at 12:32 am
dearie life is always ahead of us…..
each day is a new beginning
anong magagawa natin pinanganak tayong Royal Blood!
*hug*
kamotenista
July 9, 2008 at 12:42 am
your first paragraph is the published version of the voice that keeps nagging every time my need to blog comes up. i guess everything has a season and we try to learn as each season ends. thanks for the courage to type what your heart feels. when we are truthful with ourselves then we are ready to heal, to move on and to take on better and bigger things.
bloggityblogs
July 9, 2008 at 2:04 pm
@ rio – hehehe! artistahin ha…ayoko ng maging artista… mahirap pala.. hahahha!
@ tapsi – red horse ka dyan… akin na nga!
@ tina – hmmm… may point ka dyan… pero alam mo, hindi talaga maiwasan ang clashes of personalities kasi magkaiba nga. at kahit nga naman ako i don’t want to be contented now with what i have kasi i know i can do more. hindi ko naman pwdeng sabihin na hindi ko icoconsider ang mga sentiments ng pamilya ko kasi for me, the relationship is still important. isang bahagi lang to ng buhay eh and it will pass but relationships are important. siguro kanya kanyang priorities lang yan.
@ utak munggo – thanks momski! i just thought that this might be a good way than pestering my friends about what i’m going through.
@ redlan – salamat gid. ganyan din ako. siguro kaya my nephews are very open to me because they can talk to me. natatawa rin nga ako kasi lahat sila nagtataka kung bakit yung pinakabrat kong pamangkin ay makocontrol ko pero sila.. kahit anong disciplinarian nila… ayaw talaga makinig. this is just a phase… this will come to pass…
@ mangyan – pinakulayan ko ng green ang mansyon ko para maging greenminded ako at maging peaceful paligid ko… ayan…. magsawa ka sa kulya na green! hehehe!
@ blue – nagsasmile ako… hehehehe! tingnan mo lang ang future entry ko.. cute ko nga dun eh…
@ vanny – grabe!!! i want to go shopping with you.. maliban ata sa blogging, shopping na ang next therapeutic thing to do… pero wala akong pera… so blogging na lang muna.. hahahaha!
@ aline – yehey!! you added me to your blogroll… next time isama mo na rin ako when you eat out ha?
@ kamotenista – take note! royal blood na… magaganda pa!
@ bloggity blogs – that is very true.. sometimes i have to write down what i am feeling and thinking for me to see the other side of the coin. i gain a different perspective when i do this.. makes life easier for me too.
ifoundme
July 10, 2008 at 2:44 am