Ifoundme's Weblog

i think i need more heads to figure out this situation. i know i have been telling my friends here about what i went through before and though i am living far away from those persons involved, there are times that i think i have gone pass them in terms of moving on. but do i really consider this moving on since i still get affected?

you see, i have this issue with one of my circles of friends. this group was really close to me because i was the string that attaches them all. i plan the gimiks, the outings, the parties… in the times that they were having a hard time getting everyone together, i pull the strings and make the get together happen. for 11 years they have been my friends and now i’m questioning the validity of the so-called friendship.

i had a very rocky relationship with my boyfriend. there was a time that for some complex reasons we hesitantly broke up. maybe we can consider it as a hiatus because we got back after a year and a half. in that dark one year and a half, i was so down and mopped out by misery that i really rely on friends who understand me to let me go on with life. maybe it was my mistake to think that i can count on them in times that i needed someone to listen to me without judging me. it was a mistake because they avoided me like i have some sort of a contagious disease. maybe they did that because my boyfriend is their friend too.

so try to see if i have the right to be “friends” with them… you know, be in a relationship which literally contains the essence of friendship.. or do i remain civil but be quiet when they are around; place a wall that will keep some sort of distance from one another. for me, i prefer the latter because i was truly hurt by their actions and words.

the following scenarios happened before which will describe why i felt violated and hurt. maybe you can help me sort my future actions because next week i will be seeing them again and my mind and heart are telling me to keep my distance.

let me use some codes to hide the identities of these people. let’s say their names are bato, jr, ligaya and poste. hihihi! pasensya na. wala akong ibang name maisip. yan at yan lang talaga.

scenario one: i sent sms messages to poste because he was asking me days before for the number of my friend. i was not sure if i gave it to him already so i texted him. he called me up and asked how i am since he’s really the guy with a golden heart who gets concerned once in awhile. i told him that i was really feeling low and that the break up and the reason behind it was really taking a toll in my everyday life. he then told me that he and my boyfriend will be going to palawan. even the place has a code. LOL! he asked me if i want to come. i told him no because during that time i was jobless and with no money. when i asked him if it’s just them, he said yes. so i let it go. i was thinking that it was a guy thing and bonding as well.

scene two: ligaya got online the next day. out of the blue i asked her if she knew that my boyfriend and poste will be going to palawan. she said yes and that she was going too. that made me think already. i was kidding her that i’m not part of the group already and that i’m totally forgotten. i’m a thing of the past. it was meant to be a joke. she answered back by asking if i wasn’t invited. i told her no.

scene three: since i felt a little bad about not being invited, i texted jr if he knew about the plan and i asked him why i wasn’t invited. i was shocked to receive a very disturbing text. he wasn’t able to answer the question but chose to tell me this: STOP YOUR SELF PITY. IT’S A SHAME THAT YOU ARE QUESTIONING OUR FRIENDS’ INTEGRITY. WE ARE NOT TAKING SIDES THAT’S WHY WE DIDN’T INVITE YOU.

i answered back by saying this: IT’S A SHAME THAT YOU THINK I’M QUESTIONING OUR FRIENDS’ INTEGRITY BECAUSE I’M NOT. I WAS JUST ASKING WHY I WASN’T INVITED. AND THE REASON WHY YOU ARE THE ONE I’M ASKING IS THAT I THOUGHT YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND THAT I WILL NOT BE JUDGED. I’M SORRY.

after that i texted my boyfriend and asked him why our friends are treating me like that and if i am that bad because i am being set aside. it’s okay to set me aside because i might have no value to them but to say that i am questioning the integrity? i am not. i was just asking why i wasn’t invited. was it because he didn’t really have any right answer to give me?

i think that incident rattled them all. they tried to defend themselves saying that it was an abrupt plan and that it was supposedly an outing organized by the classmates of bato and that they just hitched on that plan. there was also a reason that everyone has their own lives now and to dip one’s finger to what the other is going through is really out of their mind and concern. there was also a reason that they are not taking sides between me and my boyfriend (but they invited my boyfriend.) i actually became a viand in one of their meals discussing and trying to validate their reasons.. that they don’t have anything to feel bad about and that they didn’t do anything wrong.

maybe i was too sensitive during that time but my friends here we’re laughing at their alibis. my best friend even said that if they are not taking sides, they should have invited both of us or shouldn’t have invited both of us for the sake of being fair. another one said that if they were just riding on, how can possibly another person hurt by joining them since there were a lot of them already who joined that group? palusot na palusot na lang ba talaga?

what hurt the most is that bato acted like she is very close with boyfriend by meddling with his things and doing all the things that i did before. when we were still together, she was kinda hesitant to come with us sometimes or had kept her distance. so it was really surprising to see her very enthusiastic being with my boyfriend to the point that my other friends think that she liked my boyfriend… you know, malice working in their minds without having to say it out loud.

anyway, the other day poste was asking me if boyfriend and i had made up and if we’re together again. i didn’t answer back. i just don’t feel that that i am obliged now to answer them. it was the same thing too when we were all together a few months back. one of our friends who didn’t go with them asked me if i have a boyfriend. i looked at him and didn’t answer back. jr even had the nerve to say that he was just waiting for someone to ask it for them. i didn’t look at him nor acknowledge what he said. after all, he was the one who said that they weren’t taking sides and that i was questioning our friends’ integrity.

as of now, i feel that my world is slowly going in different direction and somehow i have accepted that it doesn’t involve them anymore. the hurt is still there and as much as i want to be civil, i just want them out of my life. sorry, but that’s how i feel. sabi nga nila may kanya kanyang buhay na. i’m just applying it. obviously, the relationship has been tarnished and the truth is i don’t want it back intact. i just can’t placed them in the category called friends. acquaintances, maybe, but not friends. oh and by the way, i was set aside for not thinking POSITIVELY! go figure.

so what now? do i pretend that nothing happened because they are still trying to go by their alibi that they didn’t do anything wrong and act like we’re still friends? or do i remain civil, be quiet and act like i’m there but i’m not really there? i can’t really avoid not to see them because i know that my boyfriend will try to see them also.