Ifoundme's Weblog

Have you ever wished you have big brothers? You know, the ones who have different kinds of personalities but equally lovable to you; the ones who only think but loving you. I was always envious of my best friend, RHY. She has 3 older brothers and they adore her. They were quite protective of her but she was given enough space to enjoy her freedom. I badly wanted that back in high school. I don’t want to be strong all the time, you know. I just thought that I want to be rescued by someone whom I trust the most and in my imaginative world, that person is represented by a big brother.

All my life I was always surrounded by boys/men (idiots?). My first playmates were bon and ritchie. Both are sons of my parents’ kabarakada (friends) and both are 2 years younger than me. Then when I went to nursery school, I was always accompanied by eric, the son of my father’s friend. Whenever we were forgotten to be fetched, we’d just hold hands and find our way to ritchie’s parents’ house and have his dad call one of our parents. Although I did enjoy my time with them, it was only when I spent time with my older guy cousins which I first experienced being taken good care by a bunch of kuyas. Well, they were forced too. I’m the youngest girl cousin and the only child back then. If anything happened to me, they had to answer to the adults. In fairness, they were kind to me despite of the never ending teasings (which always end up me crying.) Pikon eh. pano naman ako hindi mapipikon e itutukso ba naman sakin ang mga batang bungi, duling o di kaya mabaho. They taught me how to fight back and eat like pig. Huh?!? Good thing ba yun? They taught me how to kick, run fast and to be alert. I think I got to their nerves oftentimes because I was a slow learner. I mean, how can’t I be? All I knew was eat candies and play with my dolls.

Then I went to school. I was sent to another school because my cousins’ school didn’t accept girls. It was an exclusive school for boys and for the first time nobody was there to back me up nor teach me what to do. I would pray at night to give me big brothers. I just needed them badly. Those prayers never ended even when I reached high school. I know that is stupid but sometimes it’s just tiring to be strong. i wanted somebody to fight for me, to wipe away my tears and defend my cause. Someone to say that it’s alright to fall because they are there to catch me

I faced reality when I entered college. I thought it was a good start for a new life. Forget about the past and anticipate the future. My drama was ALL BY MY SELF because I was alone in a different place with no parents around and with a language I hardly use. Hwag kumontra ang iba dyan. Talagang 100% batchoy and piaya bred ako kaya hiligaynon lang talaga ang nakasanayan kong salita. I tended to myself.

I actually found myself one day in the aikido recruiting booth. I was curious. Martial arts was one thing I wanted to do but just didn’t have the time back here in the province. Since I’m not into sports anymore, I thought it was a good idea to try it. I was attached to aikido from then on. Although it is great, what made me stay really were the people. I instantly had not 3 but like more than 10 older brothers. They too took good care of me. I was always fetched in my classroom and at kahit mamuti na yung mga mata nila sa gutom sa kakahintay sakin they always make it a point to have lunch or dinner with me (or vice versa). We have a tambayan (a place where we hang out) and that’s where we usually do our homework, chat, play magic cards and tong-its, write messages to everyone in our logbook and, well, it was also the place where love blossomed to those who became couples. Anyway, I enjoyed the attention and the love. I was even given a unique debut celebration. I’m not much a traditional type of person so I opted for dinner in a restaurant for everyone. I didn’t know that the aikido people had plans to surprise me.

During that day, I just did my usual routine. I went to class, hang out at the tambayan during break time and changed clothes to gi (uniform for aikido) so that I will be able to play. The session went on and I noticed that the aikido people who didn’t play were unusually present and were very restless. The sensei was about to end the session only to remember something he had to do. He called me to stand in front of the studio and I followed as told. I thought he still wanted me to have a last round of randori (a freestyle sparring). So while standing there in the middle of the room, I heard music playing and guys were entering the room in one line holding a stem of red rose on each hand. My face turned red. All of my big brothers danced with me and made me feel special that day. I know I will forever remember that.

And for protecting me… I had several occasions of stupidity in which obviously the big brothers protected me from. I once had a hard crush and fell for that boy named ASTIG. Yes, he was bad boy, astig in all sense of the word, charming, handsome with a great sense of humor, and, again, a bad boy. When he came into my life, I felt I was swept off my feet and had eyes only for him. Of course, the big brothers suddenly became concerned because I drastically changed. I no longer hang out at the tambayan and if I did, I would stay only for at most 10 minutes only to be fetched by astig. I didn’t go out with them during our weekend gimiks and I was suddenly literally absent in their lives. They had to look for me and remind me that astig is bad news. Although he was a dormmate of some of the aikido guys, everyone was irritated by him. Astig eh. e ano talaga magagawa ko? talagang gwapo at astig. tingin ko matalino rin naman. mabango. honga, mabango sya parati. parang naglilihi ako sa kanya nuon. He was just different. He just didn’t belong. I still didn’t listen. I was smitten to the fact that he likes me and that we spend almost all our waking hours together. We even burned the phonelines long distance calls during Christmas break (him in Bicol and me, here, somewhere in visayas). When we saw each other again after the Christmas break, everything was still the same. 2 weeks after though everything changed. Astig told me that he might be busy and that we might not be able to see other as often as we did before. After that, he seldom shows up. I had this very strong suspicion that he was intimidated by my big brothers. I hated them for doing that but until now nobody dared to tell me the truth. My girl friend though told me that somebody did talk to him.

I guess despite of everything I should be thankful to them because he got messed up after our “episode” (whatever you call that). He was always involved in fights and remained as bad boy as ever. When my boyfriend (now who was just a friend then) talked to him on why he immediately disappeared in my life, his answer was that he couldn’t take it to play with my heart… well, whatever that means, I didn’t want to and still don’t want to know.

So there. My wish did come true. I was not given true biological brothers but all through out my life I am gifted with persons who are worthy enough to be considered as big brothers. I love them even if I don’t show it often. I know that they know it anyway.