Ifoundme's Weblog

i have talked several times about my situation last year. it was not lovely, just thinking about it. my favorite description about it, which i oftenly joked about is, i was jobless, moneyless and loveless. though it’s still quite true in some ways today, i went over the edge to see it in a different perspective.

i am happy now and still pursuing joy. my being “jobless” now means i have all the time to do whatever i want. i can read all i want, i sing whenever i want to sing. (but i do have a terrible voice.) though i work in our family business, it’s not as hectic as it should be. the pressure is not too much to handle and i enjoy the flexibility that it offers. i can now easily have lunch or dinner with my best friend without having to double check my watch as to whether i’m late or not. imagine the things i’m learning too now. i’m taking spanish language class. i have piano lessons too. i read 3 books a week. i have coffee with friends whenever they have time. sometimes i go to the gym to lift weights. sometimes i’d try different things like boxing. i was thinking of joining the toastmasters because i really have this unexplained fear of talking in front of the crowd, or speak or just the mere fact that i am facing someone in authority makes me nervous. my mother has been urging me to take cooking lessons (coz i’m such a terrible cook). i have been reading blogs too about financial stability. i believe that i needed that to make myself ready in case i will be called for that job offer. i have also been educating myself about personality development. some people think i’m so negative and so tactless. i’m learning to let go of them. photography is something i long wanted to do too. since i have only a point and shoot kind of camera, i fully utilize it by having friends pose for me. sometimes i just click and click until i get satisfied with what i got.

i redefined the meaning of moneyless now. though i don’t have enough money to satisfy my belief about “abundance”, i shifted my attention to being grateful of what i got. this prompted me to be diligent with tithing. i am more of a cheerful giver now than before. because i am fully aware that much of what i have now are gifts, i persistently tell myself that i should be thankful for them. in fact, it is only this year i realized how much i get free “expensive” stuff. my family, some friends and relatives are really loving enough to give me whatever they think i like. i don’t force them. they just give. imagine how lucky i am to experience such generous beings. i shouldn’t complain. as much as it is a cliche, i have to count my blessings.

loveless was really out of context when i mentioned that. a lot of people love me and i tend to neglect that. i had to push my awareness at a higher level to make me realize how i am being appreciated. i don’t have to bite. i don’t have to be mean. i am just me and people do accept me as that. and for those who don’t, i have learned to let them go. i realized that i don’t have to please everybody. no matter how much effort i will exert, some will never be contented. i learned to let go of control and that is control of others. instead, i learned the importance of self control. i can only control what i think and feel. i can’t control the situation but i can control my reaction. this has really helped me to let go and move on. i learned to forgive too. when i did that, slowly i learned to forget. i learned to take care of myself. i have to love myself. who else can better do that? simple things make me happy now. the love, care and appreciativeness of other people towards me, i learned to be aware of that and stopped being too dramatic. i learned to keep my mouth shut too.

i once thought that i can’t do the things i wanted to do because i didn’t have time. i have the time now and God gives me everything. i am thankful for all of these.

so anyone care to be jobless, moneyless and loveless?