life is so much interesting now

i often described myself as jobless, moneyless and loveless in reference to my state last year. because of that situation, my self esteem really took the last ticket for a ride to obvious self-pity. i lost a lot of friends. i lost interest in life. i’d wake up in the morning for the sake of waking up. at night my solace was having myself produce a bucketful of tears. have you ever seen someone cried from watching a whole season of a non-dramatic tv series all through out from the start to the end? i did that. two trips to the hospital didn’t even manage to pull me out from overkilling myself with so much “misery”. the third time i went to the doctor for a flu check up, he was asking me what i’m worried about. of course i made up stories about me not leaving yet… and i’m sure he didn’t bite that very shallow reason.

i don’t want to speak about what made me a jobless, moneyless and loveless person but it made me tougher than ever. i used to rationalize that God will never give me a very heavy situation because He is aware that i’m a shallow person and i won’t be able to survive unbearable trials. but then He is God and i’m glad He knows better than me because i could have easily fooled myself in agreeing with the kind of thinking i had then. anyway, i appreciated the fact that i did went through that phase. though it was too dark and i can never ever suggest anyone to go through it because of the pain, loneliness and with all sorts of misery that i had to endure. but it did make me see another avenue of life. i learned to appreciate what i have now. i learned to be grateful of all the things that were still left of me. i acknowledged the presence of my weaknesses as well as my strengths. it was only then i realize my capacity to face everything in life. i still do have friends (i’m not that bad!) but there are only few who are allowed to enter my comfort zone. these are the people who did their best not to judge me, took time to pretend that my ventings are legitimate, listened carefully and tirelessly about my ramblings with life, and took time to give insightful but practical advices. nobody can ever demand to cut them off from my life because they were there. some just even listened… didn’t bother to say anything. they just made it known that they were there for me. i truly, truly appreciated that.

at one time, i think i grew tired of even listening to my own self. i took one step by enrolling myself to the gym. i thought i needed change. i took it upon myself (and my other friend who was going through the same ordeal as me) to go to the gym every other day to at least let me see myself that i’m not completely stuck at the bottom of the cycle of life. i started to take care of myself. i thought that if nobody did care, i should be the one who should exert the effort to be my own friend. i frequented the bookstore. that’s when i saw the books of dr. norman vincent peale. i devoured myself with his teachings. i inspired myself that one day i will be okay. even my best friend exerted her best effort to make things easier for me. she enrolled us in spanish class. then, she took time (despite her very busy schedule) to organize a small get together with our other friends to celebrate my birthday. i was a complete mess. i cried that night for being so bad to myself and that it took some very caring people to make me see that life will get better. i prayed to God and thank Him for such a wonderful best friend and very understanding set of friends.  oh and you know what’s worse? when i first got hospitalized, my supposedly business partners ditched me because i wasn’t able to give them the money which was supposed to be used for all the things that we needed to pay BUT used all the strategies and written works for their own benefit. didn’t even mind rephrasing what i wrote. it took them awhile to inform me that i was not part of the group and in fact, i was the one initiated the communication. so see what it’s like to be jobless, moneyless and loveless person is?

in the past years, i usually get the blues during the first 2 weeks of december. last year was different. those two weeks became the resolution weeks. i was confident enough to convince myself that this year is the year of good results. i wrote down all the things that needed to be changed and that what i should expect with the upcoming year. though the expectations were not that big, at least, it made me hopeful that life is really becoming to be okay.

february is almost at its end and i’m happy to say that i believe in on the right path. life is very interesting now. now i read at least 3 books a week and i am amazed as how my mind can be like a sponge. it is hungry for more knowledge and more information. i appreciate almost everything the orchids in my mother’s garden make me happy. i took piano lessons again. the spanish lessons are still going on and i have no plans to stop. the family business is still doing good and i have a healthy relationship with my family now. i’m not loveless as i once thought of myself. i’m full of love. i love my nephews very much. their laughters are like music to my ears. i am doing another business. it’s somewhat related to the first one (where “friends” ditched me) and this one has a bigger potential client base. one friend, MASA_, told me that i just need to let go of what those people did to me because karma will still prevail and he believe i can always come up with something. i sure did. and guess what? despite of my jobless and being moneyless, i still do get very nice stuff… for free. imagine how lucky i am! sometimes i joke to my mother’s secretaries that everything i wear from head to toe to my bags and to the contents of my bags, all are donated by someone else except for my bra and panty. LOL!

my mindset is different now. i don’t see life as something as black and white. life is beautiful. its colors are the one that makes life meaningful and precious.  my second chance in life opens its doors to more learning, more appreciation and more creativity in facing challenges. i have rested now from those very strong storms and i’m glad to say that i am alive and happy. i did excellently with the test of life after all.

for the love of country (2) too

i told myself not to comment about what is really happening in this country but i was caught up with my best friend’s insistence in bringing up the topic, thus, i ended up having to speak my mind during our coffee break this afternoon. she asked what my view about the present situation and if there is a possibility that the president will be ousted like what happened to 2 former presidents. i want to keep my mouth shut but then, she’s my best friend. i once irresponsibly told her that i don’t want to check the debate of college students because it’s history repeating itself. so much words flowing out like as if the world depended on their views. but then that is their right too. it’s much better that they speak out than be quiet and uninvolved.

today was declared a non-working holiday to commemorate the edsa 1 revolution wherein the 20 year reign of president marcos was halted making him leave the country for exile while the new presidency governed the nation. nothing happened since then despite the numerous coup de etat and so many attempts to overthrow almost all presidents. one was successfully pulled out of his seat in malacanang. now, the (some) people in metro manila are in the streets shouting for another ouster. can you see the cycle? i grew tired just hearing even a second of anything related to this. we just never learn.

well, i couldn’t just keep quiet to my best friend so i told her my opinion about all of these. i told her that my father thinks the present president well never step down or be ousted by anyone even if the calling are initiated by highly respected priests, nuns and pastors. this is just too political for the religous to be highly involved.  much more, everybody couldn’t deny the fact that the economy is doing good. that is one thing the previous presidents didn’t care about. so does she need to be ousted? if in case she will be ousted, who is the best bet to take charge of the governance? the vice president? i don’t think so. some senators? hmmm… nobody seems to meet the necessary ideals that a leader must possess. that is where everyone is being divided. even the church (roman catholic) itself is divided.

as i was watching the news awhile ago, i noticed that the students were clamoring for the truth. the question is, can you handle the truth? and if yes, what necessary changes you, as an ordinary citizen, can do to address the truth that you wanted. clamoring is not enough. pointing fingers is not enough. i understand the thrill of being a part of a unique situation. the rush of adrenaline that something might happen is just too appealing to resist. but dig deep into your hearts that your responsibility is to study and be a better citizen of this country. you are being molded to become the reality of your dreams. your obligation is to be mindful of the moral values that you have to instill in you to be a positive contributor to this country. you don’t need to take the streets and shout for change when you yourself are still busy with cutting classes or being idle in facing your studies. i know not everyone is like that but you are in the right path already. study well, be better students and become morally driven citizens. don’t do the mistakes of your elders. you are already in the right direction. i know you want to voice out your views, your opinion about the present situation but the bottom line is, change will happen if everone of us will be vigilant in taking notice of our actions, whether we are hurting the nation or not. study and learn. history doesn’t have to repeat itself. it’s your time to make it right.

the politicians are also acting the very thing that they are totally described by ordinary citizens. pure politicking and just waiting for the limelight to shine at them like as if they are the heroes of the century. please! we want you to work. there are so many issues needed to be addressed. despite of the gaining economy, there are still people who are homeless and hungry. education has still the avenue to be improved. the health sector can focus in emphasizing prevention of diseases or other disorders. there are so many much important issues that needed to be tackled. enough about bickering and profuse grabbing everyone to the lowest level. you have already proven the true meaning of crab mentality.

to the religious leaders, please kneel down and pray. don’t take justice into your hands because that would mean that you don’t trust your god anymore. never cease praying. believe that God will provide the necessary answer to our angst. He listens, remember? you taught us that. focus on spiritual enlightenment. please do not include politics in your sermons or services because the people are already burdened by the present situation. lighten up the spirits, not damage it further. please kneel down with us and pray.

as for the leftist and to those who are pseudoleftist, it is your right to believe in a certain kind of governance but when people are getting hurt, that is not being appreciated. it is your right to speak out but be responsible enough that you cannot coerce or force anyone to believe what you are trying to emphasize. burning buses, killing people and bombing towers…. you will never get that empathy of the people in those ways. and please, do not destroy the innocence of the youth. encourage them to study. encourage them not to be outcast of the society. we all aim to have an ideal nation, not just you.

to the previous presidents. your term had ended. you know what it is like to be the sole administrator of God’s people. you will be judged accordingly by the true ruler someday. you had your chance for reform and you did your best. it’s enough already. though a lot of things had tarnished the credibility of your own governance during your term, everyone knows that you had done your best… or did you? for whatever things the people didn’t know about… for the corruption or whatever conscious wrongness you have done which the whole nation was/is not aware of, you are still accountable in the eyes of God.

to all of us, the ordinary citizens, it is our individual obligation too to be mindful of the things that are coming out of our mouth and for the actions that we take. we have to instill care. we have to practice love. we have to pray and change should come from ourselves too. we just can’t point fingers because we, ourselves, have the responsibility to take care of our fellow citizens. it is our moral responsibility too to be vigilant about everything and sometimes we can do that by being quiet and do some reflecting. sometimes it takes an inner journey to realize that blaming others just doesn’t solve everything. sometimes we are to be blamed also. everything that is happening now is the reflection of our poor choices. it reflects our failure to give importance to moral values. it is the result of our ignorance towards our learning from history. so now, as i’ve said before, history is repeating itself. the same story but different faces and different time.

there, i said what’s in my mind. i practically blamed everyone, including myself, for what the country is going through. when it comes to our nation, i am very sentimental. i once argued with my college professor when he said that one of the solution to our country’s problem back then was exodus of the Filipinos to other countries to find work. i had a violent reaction for that theory. that would mean people separating from their loved ones. i thought there must be other ways. i was so furious back then that i told myself it will never happen to my family. then one day, i cried when i finalized my decision to take up nursing with a goal of finding work outside this country. the family business was experiencing challenges and there was a risk that it might not survive. that’s when i understood that i might be one of the solutions… that the decision to find a better future outside of the country is the best alternative. i don’t blame anyone for that. i am just thankful that in any way, i am becoming a solution, not the problem. though the thought of having to leave this country is something i am mostly sentimental, i know that in my little own way, i can help.

i have spoken my mind and HOPEFULLY, i will never speak about this anymore. there are better things to do, better things to appreciate. i don’t want to be negative about all of these because life is beautiful. it doesn’t have to be darn dark. i refuse to even think about it. like i said, i’m glad that i’m a part of the solution of this country and not the problem  

hyperthyroidism

i usually get irritated with people who tend to comment about my thin body. the comments are either noticing me being thinner than i was before or that i gained weight (but truthfully i didn’t). i have hyperthyroidism and because of that, i have a very active metabolism. for those who don’t understand about my disorder but see me eating a lot, they wonder where all the foods go. how much i eat doesn’t really move the dial in the weighing scale.

some of my friends would always comment about wanting to have this disorder to meet their obsession in losing weight. they don’t realize the symptoms that hitch with this. sleeplessness, tremors, emotional, amenorrhea, diarrhea, palpitations. bulging eyes (the worse part) and overly thin. i have never been able to reach the range of normal weight for my height. i have always strived to drink milk and eat more and more to at least gain a pound. sometimes people look at me like as if i’m really anorexic.  who could blame them? i once dropped to 72 lbs and i, myself, was scared that i might break my own bones.

it’s a good thing that it is controlled now. i’m hoping to gain weight. my doctor’s aim is that too and that i get to eat nutritious food as much as i can.

i don’t experience the tremors anymore but when there is change, i do get the palpations. stress is one factor for that which i think is normal when change happens. sleeplessness has been address. i can sleep 8 hours a day now compared to the 2 to 4 hours. i’m stuck to 90 lbs but i’m hopeful that i’ll be able to make it to 105 lbs at least. my menstruation is back to its normal cycle. i have normal bowel movement too. well, i’m still emotional but i think that’s really me.

Tita Glo

last night was nice. my mother and i went out with tita glo (our life advisor) to have some ice cream. we occasionally do that to at least take a break from the monotonous lives we have and reflect. 

she’s 65 years old and has three children. One is a nurse, the other one is a pastor and the youngest recently became a registered nurse. her family has become an extended family to us too. we are particularly concerned with what’s happening to her children as much as they are to us. when we are hurt, they feel hurt too. when we struggle, the kneel down to pray for our well-being and fast resolution of the situations we are in. the bond is really stronger compared to our other friends and relatives. mainly because we are always looking at each others’ back even if not asked to.

anway, she’s like a sister to my mother. oftentimes, she is the one who gets to be our shock absorber most especially when it comes to personal and family problems. she’s the invisible part of the family because no one knows that she’s that close to us. she’s not invited to our parties nor in any family gatherings. you might think that it doesn’t sound good that she’s not involved with the good stuff. it’s not that we didn’t want her to or that she doesn’t want to. it’s just because something happened in the past that led my father to think differently of her (and everyone else for that matter). during that time, my father was really so negative about everything that’s happening in his world that he thinks everyone is taking advantage of everyone else. sounds weird, right? oh well, he’s okay now but the situation remains that she doesn’t join the whole family.

i’m glad that tita glo is a part of our lives. she’s been very patient with our outbursts about our lives and what’s happening in our environment. she never fails to amaze us with wisdom enough to tame our anxieties. sometimes the best thing she does is listen. she won’t speak, won’t give any opinions, won’t force her view. she’ll just sit there, listen and provide her reassuring presence that everything will be okay. what’s more good about her is that she has that soothing voice that when she gives her advice, you just feel comfortable listening too. It’s like we’re not being judged but cared for. sometimes she is the “eyes” of the things we don’t normally realize or see in our own understanding. she would give insights that are oftentimes neglected but are very important. she has her way of showing the other side of the situation and weigh the decisions to be made. sometimes we would think that the views she gives are not the things other people will choose but when you get the deeper gist of it all, everything she provides are the ones that can give us the peace of mind that we do deserve.

so times like we did last night is very enlightening to a person like me. the calmness that it offers is enough to have a peace of mind. i’m truly grateful to God for giving us Tita Glo. i’m so lucky to at least have a genuine person like Tita Glo. sometimes it’s hard for us to find persons who are willing to carry our burden with us. listening is such a big issue that is rarely done also. So thank God for Tita Glo. I’d be forever grateful that God provided us a strong person with towering patience, understanding and love. 

for the love of country

i really want to stay away from hearing anything that has relation to our country’s present situation. not that i’m not totally concerned but i guess the best thing for me to do is to be a good citizen. i have decided that i will help my country the best way i can and stop complaining what should or shouldn’t be done. there are a lot of political analysts that can say a million things about the situation and i don’t think that my opinion/view can do much change. i will do my share by being a good citizen.

i love my country and i know that i am doing something good for it even if it’s just a silent way. my family have been noisy before and we believe that it didn’t help. so we changed our strategy. we told ourselves to be good citizens no matter how corrupt the people are in the government. when we die, we are accountable for our actions. in the end, like i said before, it’s just me and my God.

i guess i’m going to the right path. if God permits that my plans for myself will push through, i’ll be helping my country through my remittances and i will always… as in always… put my hand over my heart when the national anthem is being played.