Ifoundme’s Weblog

we were unusually early today at the church because my mother and i wanted to attend the sunday school service and to have a good seat. i always like sitting in front because i don’t get distracted by passerby or anything else. while sitting there, i wasn’t able to concentrate because my mind was wandering somewhere else… randomly thinking about the things i needed to do and where… i was busy thinking also what to buy for my mother since it’s mother’s day today and she mentioned that she wants us to have lunch all together. of course i threw a joke saying that it’s mother’s day and the mother will still be the one to pay the bill. everything went smoothly and lightly until my mother saw 2 missed calls in her cellphone. one from my uncle and the other one from my cousin.

she called our uncle first and the bad news was blurted out immediately after she was just saying hello and after putting down the phone, another call followed up but i was the one answered it. my cousin was frantic. all i can hear was DAD HAD AN HEART ATTACK…. ICU… FELL… NO PULSE…. my mind was racing and i didn’t let him finish talking. i asked for my cousin’s number in texas to be forwarded to my phone.

i sat down and tears didn’t stop itself from falling. from the start of the service to the end, i just couldn’t stop myself from crying.

while they were hearing mass in texas with my aunt, 2 cousins with their respective families, my uncle just fainted hitting his head on the pew. my 2 cousins are nurses and the husband of the other one is an ER nurse. he checked his pulse and there was none. ‘how can that be? that’s too sudden!’ i asked myself. yes, he had gone through a bypass surgery 8 years ago but why now? what happened? why didn’t he say anything that he was feeling something? how were my cousins? they said 911 responded immediately and he was brought to the hospital, given emergency care, intubated and forwarded to the intensive care unit.

i just hope and pray that he will be able to survive this one.

i slept the whole afternoon after i experienced a splitting headache for crying too much. when i woke up, i kept on playing songs that we both like.

he’s known to wake at 4 in the morning and goes directly to the music room to listen to music. no matter how wide our age gap is, we both share almost the same kind of favorites. when i heard santana’s MARIA MARIA, i started crying again. obviously we both (well, almost all in the family) like latino songs or any song that has a spanish touche….

tito, please be strong. fight if you still can. we all love you here and we’re all praying for your recovery. we’re doing our best to be strong for you too. forget about what’s been happening and just focus your will to live. we are praying for you.

wow… this week is really something. i don’t like this week. just plain painful. tomorrow… tomorrow will be a brighter one… i am still positive that things will be okay. my optimism hasn’t subsided yet. i have a God who’s a lot bigger than anything else… much more powerful than my problems and He only requires me to have faith as small as a mustard seed. He is the alpha and the Omega and i have nothing to worry.

Thy will be done… i rest my case for this week.

i once asked my spiritual adviser what it takes to become a good wife and mother and she directed me to read Proverbs 31:10-31

10-Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11-The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12-She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

13-She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

14-She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

15-She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

16-She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

17-She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

18-She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

19-She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

20-She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

21-She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22-She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

23-Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

24-She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

25-Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26-She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

27-She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

28-Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29-Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30-Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

31-Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

i’ve been trying to squeeze something out of my brain to write for my mother but suprise… nada! i don’t really know where to start. my mind is too limited to at least describe the person who influenced me a lot. warrior of life eh. so for what this is worth, i’ll just write randomly. if this doesn’t make sense, just bear with me.

my mother got married at a very young age. she was only 22 when she got married and had me at 23. if you ask me i couldn’t imagine myself having that great responsibility at that very young age. but then, she’s she and whenever she wants something, she gets it. enough na ba yan para maconvince kayo na hindi nga ako ampon? what she didn’t think of though was the kind of life she will go through after being married.

our relatives and family friends had been telling me how she was before she got married. being the youngest in a brod of 6, she was kinda spoiled. she was a trendsetter, a popular girl in school and town, a smart kid and everyone thought she was to become a very influential politician. why do they say that? because when she ran for the position as the president of the their student council, she won by landslide. the school then had experienced a different kind of student governance. senators, congressmen and some local politicians were tapped to donate for so many school activities and until now the stage that she built is still being utilized. i didn’t believe this at first when it was told to me because as far as i am concerned, my mother is just a plain housewife and a struggling businesswoman. i mean, even if you will hear her talk about her college life, who would believe that she was an achiever when all you can hear from her were things like how she jumped from one school to another to the point that i didn’t even know where she graduated? pero alam ko na ngayon syempre kung saan.

like i said, she got married 2 years right after she graduated from college. carefree as she was, she just jumped into something she didn’t realize would become a struggling lifetime. my father was a member of the philippine constabulary assigned to different locations and was not allowed to go home for several weeks. when that happens, my mother was left alone, pregnant, in a small bedroom with no doors and with a leaking roof. when it rains, it really rains inside. everytime my grandfather went to visit her and finds her in that kind of situation, she was always brought back to their house… back to the life that she got used to… let’s just say a very comfortable life. when my father goes home and couldn’t find her there, he would fetch her again.

life became a little bit okay when they were given a lot where we are living now. but still, it was not good enough because there were times that the only thing they could eat was rice with salt and water. hmmm… she would carry me wherever she goes.. be it when she manually washes our clothes, clean the whole house or fetch some water from the well. who would not cry for the kind of life she had then? no husband around for how many weeks and scarce food… nice combination huh?

maybe God heard her prayers when she asked to make life easier for her. if there’s one blessing she gave her, it was the fact that she was given a husband with a mind that is abundantly gifted with strategies. with only 35 centavos in their pockets, a ring and a pair of earrings as a heirloom from my mother’s parents, they suddenly had a capital for the business that they wanted to venture to. (until now it’s still our business.) but life was still not that kind to her. she had to struggle to make ends meet for us. sometimes i’d wake up like 1 in the morning and she was still up trying to figure out so many things. she had so many roles. she was still a daughter to a very sick mother and a lonely father, a wife, mother, sister, aunt and businesswoman. she even forgot about her self.

and then i grew up. with a limited understanding of the sacrifices that she had to endure, i became one of her biggest pain. i blamed her for not giving me all the things i wanted. i blamed her for the kind of life that i had to go through. i blamed her for not letting me go out with my friends. i made her worry about so many things… things like coming home very late without a phone call from me and not knowing if i’m still alive or not. i blamed her for not understanding the fact that i’m not cool in school. i always compared her to other people’s mother… the ones who wear the trendiest clothes and driving the newest car. i blamed her for not going to any of my competitions. i blamed her for humiliating me in front of my friends. i was ashamed of her. she was just the biggest KJ in my life.

when she couldn’t control me anymore, she told me in her most softiest voice with tears streaming down her face, “someday you will understand me when you become a mother.” still, it didn’t stop me. i would call friends and badmouth her.

then i got a little more older and i guess a little wiser. my heart melts just thinking about the things i’ve done to her. for so many times i didn’t stand up for her or believe in her when all she did was strive hard to provide for me and my brother. i didn’t see the times when she would not eat because food was not enough for all of us. she had to feed us first before herself. i didn’t realize the fact that she would sleep at 3am in the morning only to wake up at 5 in the morning to prepare our food, clothes and things for school. i didn’t appreciate the time when she drove me and the whole class back in each and everyone’s home every night after our cheering practice. we end up going home almost at midnight. i even insulted her then that she didn’t understand the hardship that i have to go through. oh well..stupid me. i didn’t appreciate the fact that she had to forego the shoes that she wanted because i wanted a barbie doll. she had to give it as christmas gift for me. i didn’t realize that she had to pawn the only ring she got from our grandmother during the time when there was really no money to buy food for us….

a few hours from now it’s going to be mother’s day again. i haven’t prepared anything because i don’t even know what to get her. i don’t know what’s really wrong with me but i’m not that showy when it comes to her. maybe it’s because i want to make her feel that she is still the superwoman that i think of her now. i mean, how do you really equate everything that she is in some cheap material stuff… nothing can really meet the level the admiration that i have for her now.

funny how things are now. she is still has that aura of a warrior… the one who fights actively for her family and like a mother hen, she never gets tired fending for us. i can’t measure up to the kind of strength that she possesses. she’s just she…. a magnificent being. a complete woman.

i can’t imagine life without her. maybe that’s the reason why i haven’t gotten married yet. i just want her to be there all the time ready to wipe away the tears and to lash me with so much encouragement… to forcibly make me understand and equip me of the weapons i had to carry in my journey through life. i just want her to be there all the time.

to my mother, i know that you don’t know about this blogging thing and i’m very sure that there is this very, very tiny chance that you will be able to read this but thank you for everything. i couldn’t find the right words to express the gratitude and love i have for you. you are everything to me. i know i am a very difficult child to deal with but thank you for bearing with me. LOL! for someone who can talk 2,000 words per minute, i’m speechless. anak mo nga ako. minana ko yang 2T words per minute sayo eh. i’m sorry for all the pain i’ve caused you… for the times i didn’t stand up for you and for the times that i was stupid enough to compare you to anybody else. you are incomparable because there is only one you. thank you for being our mother. you don’t know how much you influenced me. you molded me to be the person that i am now… and well, i have to tell you that i am happy for just being me because you made me to be me. it will be the greatest injustice to you if i won’t love myself.

yes, you are a cool mama. i know you laugh when i say that but that’s true. how can’t you be? you love black eyed peas and mariah carey. LOL! (singing where is the love? where is theeeee love…)

i don’t know what to say really except i love you… happy mother’s day, nanay. you are the epitome of unconditional love… the human form of unconditional love.

i wanted to post the video of her favorite hymn here as a tribute to her but i chose THANKS TO YOU by TYLER COLLINS instead.

to all mothers out there, happy mother’s day. you just don’t know how we all appreciate you. thank you.