No Regrets

Here I am again writing my thoughts down. I guess this will never stop as long as I have things to ponder upon or just to amuse myself.

I don’t really have much to say except to point out one thing that has been bothering me lately. It doesn’t really annoy me more than the way it was before but let’s just say time has some kind of element which helps you one way or another.

Actually, all I wanted to say is that I have no regrets. Funny as it seems but lately I have been given signs which tend to point me to the way my life should be going.

I have been dealing with some kind of unreasonable guilt and shame. One way or another I blame myself for the failed relationship I once had with someone I deemed special. But just today, in some weird way, I was given the sign of letting the guilt and shame go.

You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it. Or when you don’t want something and you remove it. Pleasure is always relative. Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect. The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer.

I have been telling myself that one way to move on is to forgive and accept. In fact, I have written about it in here. But sometimes I also forget what I preach. Thank God He makes some ways to remind me of the lessons He throws on me.

I really appreciate the message above. Somehow it paved some way for me to be relieved again.

I guess it’s to say that I have no regrets of the decisions I made a long time ago. After all, I learned to unconditionally  love, to be patient, to have a widened understanding, to mature… although I lost the person whom I thought was God’s designated soulmate for me, I have learned to appreciate the sacrifice that person has to do to accept the person as I am. I know his decision to walk away was not easy. I needed to give him that credit. I know he loved me and had been patient for me too. It just didn’t work out.

I know that I gained so much from spending 1/3 of my life with him. I know too that he gained something from it. From the bottom of my heart, I wish him happiness because I want him to wish me happiness too.

I already forgave him for the things he did and didn’t do and for the things he said and didn’t say just as I hope that he had forgiven me for the things I did and didn’t do and for the things I said and didn’t say.

So for that, I have no regrets. Thank You, God, for letting me experience love.

And to Beej, belated happy birthday.

tito billy

this is going to be short. i just want to write my thoughts down to ease the sadness i feel.

i couldn’t forget that very bold, loud and very authoritative voice. his words always ended with a period. oftentimes, my cousins would opt to stay away from where he was because they were afraid of him. i, on the other hand, would have mixed emotions. i would often feel afraid and in awe at the same time for i haven’t known someone who doesn’t seem to know what “afraid” and “fear” mean. well,  except for tito billy. they just don’t exist in his world.

he was really family to us. he calls our grandparents daddy and mommy and he was our parents’ ninong during their wedding. his wife was my guardian when i studied in manila and they would, at times, fetch me from where i was staying and bring me to their home during the weekends. whenever i’m at their house, there would often be late night talks about what’s really happening in our lives. those are the times i couldn’t forget because his laughter would fill the whole house. he would joke that i should study well because he wanted me to be his boss someday. i would end up just giggling about the absurdity of the thought.

i remember he loved flowers. whenever he comes here in our house, he would go immediately to my mother’s garden of orchids. he would take time to appreciate the beauty of flowers which fill every corner of my mother’s collection. for some reason, my mother’s orchids never stopped blooming. maybe that’s the very thing which captured his attention.

i am smiling now. why? because i just realized one thing: he was dainty of both guns and orchids.

yes, he loved guns. maybe that’s one of the reason why he and my father are of the same wavelength. i would jump around the guns they lay on the floor feeling afraid they would fire if i dare to touch them. but it was the same experience also which made me realize the hardships they had to go through especially when they had to go on their respective duties. from the time they decided to become soldiers, they had already accepted the fact that any time they will die in combat.

maybe that’s just it. courage was inevitable. it is a must considering how dangerous their operations where chasing after rebels and hard core criminals.

so the 360 turn was not surprising after all.

i remember how they were before the ‘89 coup. i remember the aftermath of the coup. i remember how we all went through after that failed event. i remember how he tried protecting us. i remember how my parents went through to visit him. my mother’s bp almost shot up even when she didn’t have hypertension just visiting him “there”.

i also remember the courage both his wife and my mother had when he, together with his group, opted to be a catalyst of change. they fought for this country.

they fought for our future. i remember how we, the children, all had to go through. i remember his 3rd child had to stand up against the whole school just because she is her father’s daughter. i, on the hand, was assured by him, some of his comrades and my father as  to what extent they will protect me and my friends when we almost got expelled for “entertaining the thoughts of the rebels”.

how can i ever say that the people around me didn’t love this country? i was living and breathing history. thanks to him and thanks to my father. i would not dare try to ask to change what happened in the past because what they did molded and rooted my love for this country.

for all that we all went through, i couldn’t dare to hate him and my father. why? because they took action. they didn’t have to write or speak. they acted.

if the whole philippines hated him, i can’t, i won’t and will never do the same. i had the most unique life experience and for who i am now, it is partly because i looked up to him. he paved one of the ways for me to have another perspective of what life should be but at the same time he would explain why things should be done in such a way others won’t dare to do them. he and my father chose the road less traveled, thus, only a few understood.

a lot of people were afraid of him. maybe it’s with the looks or with the voice… but for me, he was one of my heroes. i wanted to have the strength he possessed. i wanted to emulate his  courage and convictions.   he took change by action, not just by merely talking about it.

kaya siguro hindi ako masyadong bilib sa mga taong dakdak lang ng dakdak tungkol sa sitwasyon ng bansa natin o di kaya yung mga taong reklamo lang ng reklamo…. sa mundo ko kasi, kung gusto nila may mangyayari, gumagawa at gumagalaw sila. kumbaga, do it first before you complain. hindi nila dinadaanan sa intellectual bullshitting lahat. galaw. galaw. galaw. isa si tito billy dyan.

i only saw my father cried twice. once when his dad, my grandfather, died and the other time was last night. tito billy was one of those very, very few my father loved and placed on a higher esteem.

i don’t think i can write anything more. i am really mourning. the thought of him makes my mind be filled with so many thoughts about him and his family but, at the same time, my mind goes blank for no apparent reason whenever i want to write more.

so to tito billy…. it was one hell of a ride, tito! i give you my last salute!

my heart aches

it seems like this year i have been losing some father figures. they are the ones who left a great marks and some sort of influence to me.

just tonight, i lost another loved one.

he’s the type of person who doesn’t seem to know what fear really is.

i can’t seem to gather my thoughts now. i just want to write here to make me feel okay.

and i really can’t explain why but i can’t seem to get the previous entry out of my mind. makes me more angrier. why? because the one i lost now fought for his country. he was someone who would only mutter about being makabansa or makabayan and he was the reason why at some point in my family’s life, we followed him without hesitations in joining one meaningful event. one of his favorite songs is bayan ko.

that’s why nobody dares, i say again, nobody should dare say that we don’t love the philippines because we almost lost our lives for this country. nobody, especially foreigners, has the right to tell me that we don’t love our country.

i will slap him or her in his face for saying such irrelevant conclusions about my people and how we should act because love for country is not based on wealth alone.

you might be a 1st world country with people sleeping on your money but at least we don’t have a high suicide rate just because life is hard.

at least we don’t lose our faith to God just because we are going through some tough times.

we are not poor. it just happened that our wealth is not based on monetary units. we, as people, are already the wealth of this country.

this is not an entry suited to back my previous entry because i wanted to wait a week before explaining my thoughts about it. i just want to write in here because i am mourning.

I am angry too now because, again,  i lost someone i loved… and he happened to be a soldier.

Two friends forwarded me this in my email for like 3 weeks apart. I had some sort of reaction when i first read this and wanted to write about it immediately but I told myself  that I need to sort out my emotions first before doing that. The 2nd time I received this, I couldn’t stand it anymore. But before I will write my reaction, I will wait another week because the emotion is so strong I might regret what I will write in here.

Here is what I received in my email. Take time to read it and try to ask yourself if you agree with this one.

galit

medyo galit ako pero mamaya ko na sasabihin kung bakit. kakain muna ako ng sundae, french fries, apple pie at isang basong pepsi max… ay… wala palang pepsi max sa mcdo. coke zero na lang. tumataba ako eh. di naman ako nagrereklamo na tumataba ako kasi gusto ko nga tumaba. ang problema lang ay feeling ko papunta na sa sobra ang katakawan ko. kita naman sa mga pictures ko sa facebook.

teka… bakit nga ba ako galit eh may laman ng katotohanan naman ang nakasulat dun? pero kahit pa… mamaya ko na iexplain. pagpapalit ko ang galit ko sa pagkain no!